St. Patrick’s Day (Redux)

For those of you not around last year or those who were and simply want another swig, I offer this Paddy’s Day romp I posted a year ago.

Erin Go “Bah!”

(Let me take a swig first for some courage… {gulp}… Ahhh!)

Okay, now I’ll say it, I’ll dare to state the unthinkable… St. Patrick’s Day is the worst freaking day of the year. And I’m Irish!!!

Now of course I’m not referring to all those positive things to enjoy… the parade, the poetry readings, the story tellings, the music revues, the art displays and walking tours, all of which make one proud to be from the old sod… it’s that other thing that drives me up a wall. Or up against it! That insane, pressing, ethnic obligation for people to drink til they drop and get carried out the door. That thing! Where they start the day with the wearin’ o’ the green, in some cases painted on faces, and end the day by spewing some green on the sidewalk. ‘Cause to them it’s just another New Year’s Eve, that other outing for amateurs, but instead of paper hats it’s knitted tams. Or instead of a tux and champagne it’s sweaters and whiskey. For the end result is still the same no matter what clothes you put on it… drink til you speak in tongues and flirt with a coma!

Now I obviously speak as a bartender here… one who is forced to aid and abet this folly… so I clearly view these proceedings from a different vantage point. From behind the stick. From a place where I almost want to carry a stick. You don’t believe me? Try this on for size and see how it fits.

Try being bar number 53 on the list of a day-long pub crawl, and in crawl 26 people to make your day. Just to say they’ve been there. Oh, there’s crawlin’ goin’ on all right, it’s you up the side of the wall and out through the transom. {sip-sip} And as an Irish person myself over here (at least two thirds with English and German thrown in) I all the more want to put…

Woops, excuse me a second… my glass is empty, back in a sec!

Okay, where was I? {sip} Oh yeah… as an Irish person myself over here, I all the more want to put this folly into perspective. To discuss the sheer irony of it. Because if it’s always been the knock on the Irish, and one that gets their backs up, that we’re nothing but a bunch of drunks who like to brawl (“God created whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the wold”), or bawl (just start singing Danny Boy and see what happens), then how can we justify its opposite when this is how we act? On our only holiday! When our one day of celebration singing the praises of who we are, is a thousand ways to get drunk and where to do it.

St. Pat? Forget it. He’s just the holy hood ornament on our booze-mobile. The one careening through town in search of a bar spot. I mean no one puts together “Saint” and “Pat” and puts them in the same sentence with any kind of reverence, unless a guy name Pat buys him a cocktail. “Why thank you there, Pat, you’re a saint you are!!!”

Damn, I just knocked my glass over, you’ll have to excuse me again… be right back. Ouch!!! Now I banged my knee on this fucking desk leg. What the hell’s going on here?

Okay, I’m back. Hmmm, I’ve lost my place again. Oh well, not important. {sip} I guess what I’m really trying to say is, we shouldn’t overdo the sauce on our one day to shine. That’s all. Because, because… Jesus!… why can’t I stay on track here?

‘Ya know, as a Jack Daniels guy, I have to say this Bushmill’s stuff isn’t bad. {sip} It has a nice nose to it. Hah! That’s funny, a nice nose… it also has a cute set of fucking ears! Ha-ha-ha! Now that’s really funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A cute set of ears on a bottle of whiskey!

Okay, I’m starting to get silly so back to the point here. {sip-gulp} And that is…

Sorry, one more refill, then I promise I’ll wrap this up. Be right back!

{sip… sip} Ahh, here we go, back to the keyboard!

And so the point is, dear reader, {gulp} to make life easy on your friendly bartender wherever you go this Saphhur… this Sastur… this day before Sunday… and to shine a positive light on your Irish heritage, try and show a little restraint when you… Hee-hee-hee, why the fuck is Bushmill’s with ears funny to me? I can’t stop thinking about that… anyway, ummmm, oh yeah, try a little moder-stration when you (hic-cup!) imbibe. I know that’s what I always do when the “spirits” move me, I (hic!) try and slow things down and maybe reflect. You know, reflect on the things that matter in life like family, friends, you out there in Barland who visit every week, and… hold on a sec, I’m starting to mist up, let me get a Kleenex… (sniff-sniff!)

Look, I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this any more. I seem to have hit a cryin’ jag I can’t shake. (sniff-sniff!) And if you think that’s being a wussy out there, I’ll fight the first fucking man who even thinks it! You got that, you bastard???

{Sip} Ahhh! Damn, that’s good whiskey. Ya know, I have to say (sniff-sniff) this is the funniest, most funnest post I’ve ever rotten… I mean written!

And so, ummmm, oh yeah, have a nice St. Patrick’s Day, wherever you are in Barland, your friendly bartender wouldn’t have it any other way. (Sniff! Honk!!!)

Erin go bragh! 🙂

9 Responses to “St. Patrick’s Day (Redux)”

  1. 1 GregN March 16, 2012 at 8:56 am

    My least favorite day of the year, a hangover (pardon) from my bartending days many years ago. The throngs were literally lined up around the block to get into our Irish place on Division Street, and inside you’d think you were on a Japanese subway car. I worked 3 of those things, and have never been to ANY bar on March 17 since.

    Nice to see a post, even a “best of”.
    Thank you.

  2. 2 scribbler50 March 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Greg: Your welcome, man, and thanks for stopping by. Even for a “best of”.

  3. 3 physiobabe March 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Holy hood ornament’ – I love it. ‘Tis a fine article, even the second time around. Up the rebels!


  4. 4 scribbler50 March 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    physiobabe: Ha-ha, and down the hatch, me lassie, down the hatch! Have fun tomorrow..

  5. 5 ScottMcQueen March 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm


    By rights this should be a reply to the last post but thought I’d keep up-to-date. Dreadful news about the lease. I spent a few nights last summer enjoying the choice atmosphere of your NYC landmark and it made quite an addition to an already fantastic holiday, due in no small part to the conversation.

    I look forward to reading what happens next and I’ll continue to feel extremely lucky to have been able to enjoy an evening or two sitting at the bar.

    Your (newlywed) friends in Glasgow

    PS A work colleague of mine is passing through NYC this weekend and I have told him he HAS to pop in for a drink

  6. 6 marty wombacher (@martywombacher) March 16, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    I am in total agreement and I’m half Irish and half German too! Outside of Sprew Year’s Eve, the worst night in the world to go to a bar! I’ll be loading my fridge up with beer—not of the green variety—locking the door and staying home. I hadn’t discovered you yet last year, so thanks for reposting it! Hilarious writing, Scribbler!

  7. 7 scribbler50 March 17, 2012 at 2:14 am

    Scott McQueen: How nice of you to write and how well I do remember you two newlyweds. Thanks for the kind words, Scott, and please keep reading to see where we end up. I look forward most definitely to another of your visits.
    And as far as your friend who is passing through? I appreciate the warning! 🙂

    Marty: Amen, brother, you know whereof I speak. Actually I’m off tomorrow so I won’t have to run the gauntlet for which I’m grateful. Glad you liked the post!

  8. 8 IrishIrritant March 19, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Excellent best of, tough to improve a wonderful summary of amatuer day. I’m with the Pbabe poor Pat rendered to a hood ornament, grand stuff.
    Be Well

  9. 9 scribbler50 March 19, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    Irish: Thanks, Bud, you be well too.

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