“So this model walks into a bar and says….”
No, that’s not the start of a joke, dear reader, but rather the start of a tale, a tale your friendly bartender deems worth telling. Is it true? Yes, which makes it even better.
So this model walks into a bar and says to the guy behind the stick, a guy she’d gotten to know on a previous visit, “Would you mind helping me out with your eyes and ears?”
“Sure,” said the bartender, wishing more of his organs were called into service, “how can I help?”
“Well, umm… this is kind of embarrassing but I recently joined this dating service, one of those on-line…”
“Wait a minute,” he interrupted, “you need a dating service? Why in the world would someone like you need a service?”
“I didn’t say I need it, I just want to try it. That’s all. See, I travel a lot with my modeling work, most guys I meet are in passing, and I really don’t have the chance to actually meet someone. And I have a few friends who’ve done pretty well with this service.”
“So where do I come in?” said the curious bartender. “I know you didn’t find my name on any damn service. That stuff scares me.”
“And it scares me too. That’s why I want your eyes and ears to help me. And maybe some of your muscle if it comes to that!”
The bartender smiled at the “muscle” part and who wouldn’t?
“But what do you want me to do,” he joked, “go along on the date as some kind of chaperon?”
“N-o-o-o-o-o-o,” she drawled, teasingly, “I’d like to use your bar as my home base. You know, as the meeting place. I’d not only feel more safe that way but maybe you can give me your post-date opinion. From a guy’s perspective.”
“So that’s where the eyes and ears come in,” said the bartender.
“Exactly. You guys are good observers, right? You assess people every night, so here’s a chance to put that skill to good use. And to help me out. And like I said, if the guy’s a real jerk, you look like someone who could handle a rough situation.”
The bartender, at this point, couldn’t have put his hat on even if he owned one. That’s how swelled his head was. But he also was moved by something else, the fact that she valued that muscle between his ears.
“Hey, I’d love to help you out,” he said, his feet re-touching the floor, “bring these characters in and I’ll give ’em what for. Or I’ll give you what for which I guess is more like it.”
“Great,” said the model, “this’ll be fun! Oh, by the way, why does meeting someone on-line scare you? You said that stuff scares you.”
“Well it’s not for the reason you’d be scared, it more has to do with me not being a bum.”
“And what does that mean?” she asked.
“See, I’d never use a service because what if when I actually meet this person she turns out to be not at all what I expected? Or like her picture? I’d feel guilty then about not calling her up again. ‘Cause it might hurt her feelings. And I’d hate to be responsible for hurting someone’s feelings. And not for nothin’, she might feel the same about me too, not want to do a repeat, it’s just that I don’t want the shoe on the other foot. It gets too touchy. That’s why I’ve never, ever been on a blind date. And these things are blind dates no matter how you cut it. Even with the pictures.”
“Wow,” said the model, “Mr. Sensitive there.”
“Nah, nah, don’t say that. I’m not…”
“Shush,” she interrupted, “sensitive’s a good thing. There’s nothing wrong at all with being sensitive.”
“I know that, but precisely because it’s a good thing is not why I said that. I’m not trying to claim I’m one of those guys just to try and impress…”
“How about making me a Cosmo?” she broke in again. Smiling.
And so he did.
And so did a series of first time dates start streaming into the bar, each of which got the bartender’s post-date scrutiny. With maybe words like these…
“The guy from Long Island, the one who kept apologizing every ten seconds, seems like he’s looking for a mother rather than a girlfriend.” Or, “That guy who works in real estate is too much into your looks, he’d rather date what you are than who you are.” Or maybe, “You don’t need a guy whose biggest achievement is telling you he can party for three straight days, unless you’re a fan of Jackass, for crying out loud!” Etcetera. Etcetera.
Now of course those aren’t the exact assessments this bartender threw on the bar, but given the assortment of characters out there surely these types would have made their way in the mix. Because after at least two months of these trials not one of these dates who walked in the bar was a match. That is, except one.
That’s right. For in handing out all of those post-date reviews he not only pegged these suitors, he also revealed who he was as well in the bargain. Totally unwittingly. He revealed he had insight, a sense of caring, a sense of humor and strength that wasn’t in his biceps. And the model liked that. Which she showed one night to his great surprise when she asked him out on a date, the first of which they shared many times over. Vive l’amour!!!
Nice, huh? Or maybe this just hits home because I’m a bartender. All I know for sure is… keep your eyes wide open, dear reader, whatever your quest may be, the very thing you seek could be right there in front of you.
See ya’ next week-end.