She “cracks” me up!

Warning: If you’re looking this week for a Barland tale that will leave you with food for thought, and an aftertaste that will make you the wiser for coming here, I suggest you go to my blog roll and click on a title. Because that’s where you’ll find the adults this week, the people with grown-up thoughts, as nothing following this warning qualifies as “adult”. 🙂

Still with me? Okay, you’ve been warned.

So your friendly bartender was doing his job, in stellar form I might add… pouring and chatting to a bar that was three quarters full…  when a vertical smile distracted his bartender duties. That’s right, a vertical smile peeking coyly above the waistline of low-rise jeans, packed into which was a daring young twenty-something female.

Is that what I think I’m seeing, I thought, missing the glass by an inch and soaking the bar top, am I looking right now at the crack of that woman’s behind? Why, how shocking! How delightful! How completely and utterly unfair in the overall scheme of things. For how in the hell can I look now anyplace else?

Well of course I did look “anyplace else” as duty eventually summoned, but it wasn’t that long before booty smile dragged me right back. It was just that compelling. And not so much from a salacious standpoint (which I doubt you’ll buy for a second), but simply because I found this exposure remarkable. From the standpoint of brazenness. For how can you simply walk into a bar, or any public place for that matter, and not give a hoot that the top of your ass is exposed? I mean don’t there exist more appropriate venues for this baring? Like the beach, the sauna or a Brittney Spears video? Which got me to wondering. (There’s still some time to tip-toe over to my blog roll. No? Okay.) And here was my wondering…

If it happens to be an acceptable thing for a woman to sport a daring cleavage in decolletage, within reason of course where it’s just a peek not a smorgasbord, then why is it totally shocking to find it in derriere? For believe me it’s shocking. And not just to my roving eye, dear reader, toiling behind the stick, but to all those doing their double-takes walking by her table. And there were double-takes. “Holy shit,” I could hear them thinking, giggling to themselves as they did so, “you can actually see the top of that woman’s ass.” Like she dropped a towel or something.

But it didn’t get this woman into any kind of trouble nor of course was she asked to leave, like she would’ve been asked in the old days I can assure you, it just turned her into an object of ogle and comment. Which is living in the present.

But can you imagine the outrage say in 1945 if a woman wore jeans in the first place, in a night club, that is, and not simply going to a picnic, and she dimpled that statement with two exposed cheeks and a butt crack? Why she would’ve been scandalized. And unlike me in 2011 where we’ve pretty much seen it all, the bartender then would’ve had to jump into action. And do it quickly. He’d either have to ask this woman to leave for offending some of the patrons (“She must be an off-duty stripper, the hussy!”) or wipe that smile from her ass by covering it with a jacket. That’s how big a deal it would’ve been. And the woman would’ve had to oblige or get herself arrested. For if you couldn’t show Lucy and Ricky Ricardo sleeping in the same bed on their weekly television show, they slumbered in twins, you sure as hell couldn’t show the top of your ass at a night spot. Unless of course that spot featured baggy pants comedians. And you were Blaze Starr!

Ah, but here we are in the new millennium in the middle of New York City, reacting with nothing but a wink and a smile without outrage. At least from me. For I’m not one of those to condemn or point fingers, “live and let live” is my motto (or dress and undress however your little heart desires), but I do wish the next time she visits she’d sit with her back to the wall. I have drinks to make and people to see which is all very hard to do while observing that “smile”.

Hello? Are you still there, dear reader? Oh, you’re running as fast as you can over to my blog roll. Hell, who can blame you?

25 Responses to “She “cracks” me up!”

  1. 1 Comrade PhysioProf April 16, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    My ass crack is nicer! Right? Tell the truth!!

  2. 2 jc April 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Pleez don’t tell me you stuff dolla billz down PP’s crack. Pleez. For humanity’s sake.

    *stops thinking about PP’s crack right NOW*
    *bangs head*
    *happy thoughts, happy place*

  3. 3 Anonymoustache April 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    The vertical smile (a tip of my hat for that absolutely brilliant description of it, btw) is a far too common occurrence nowadays, bro. It is uncouth and uncivil but some jeans company executive decided a few years ago that this was the way to go and people took to it like flies to honey. Sad, really. I guess “Say no to crack” is a good motto in more ways than one…

  4. 4 scribbler50 April 16, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    Comrade Physioprof: If you’re referring to the time I was over your house and you grossed out me and your wife in those low slung cargo shorts, while cooking, I dare say, which doubly grossed out the moment, the answer my friend is “no”, in fact “HELL no!” It was disgusting. But you did cook a fine lamb stew for which I am grateful.

    jc: Not to worry, dear friend, I’ve applied a form of specific Tabula Rasa on this. My mind is a blank. But I do want to thank yourself for your heartfelt concern. 🙂

    Anonymoustache: And hats of to you as well for, “Say no to crack.” You’ve done it again, Sir!

  5. 5 Pharm Sci Grad April 16, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Hmm… now I have to stop and ponder which is the more “eye-catching” offense… the low rise jeans with the vertical smile or the low rise jeans with the thong visible to all.
    The things I do to avoid working… 😉

  6. 6 jc April 16, 2011 at 8:58 pm


  7. 7 Ken April 16, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Back in 1988, when I was managing a big time campaign, we had a volunteer who wore seriously ripped up jeans. And this was not a nobody–it was a woman with a significant job in state government. One day she wore those jeans without bothering to put on her underwear. We are talking about serious exposure. I had the volunteer coordinator tell her to leave and come back in proper adult attire. She did, a couple of days later. The only time I asked someone to leave due to a clothing issue.

    I made my little stand, but the slobbification of America has continued.

  8. 8 chris April 17, 2011 at 12:48 am

    “it just turned her into an object of ogle and comment”

    And that sir is exactly what she was after. When I was in college it was utterly ridiculous the way some of the girls came in dressed for class. It was either a thong that looked so wedged up their ass that it probably disappeared in there some place, or it was ass crack. Try concentrating on something with some hot girl with her ass out its almost impossible. I’m a man so I’m going to look but I’d never date someone who is so much of an attention whore that she has to dress like, well a whore. Have a good week in bar land Scrib.

  9. 9 Jennifer April 17, 2011 at 7:06 am

    … or the low rise jeans with the thong visible to all.

    Also known as “whale tail”.

    Scribbler- maybe you should make a drink called a “Grin and Bare It” in her honor. It would no doubt have to have moonshine in it.

  10. 10 scribbler50 April 17, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Sci Grad: To me they’re equally eye-catching so it’s a tie. (Now get back to work!!!)

    Ken: Talk about slobbification, go to a Broadway show and check out the duds. What used to be a “night out” looks more like a “day in” now at Costco’s.

    chris: If I’m a student today I’m flunking out. Period! I couldn’t concentrate. But I wouldn’t call them whores, it’s just a style. A fad. In the sixties it was the mini skirt that set the world on its ass, or rather its “ass crack”, and everyone survived.

    Jennifer: Brava, dear friend, you take the prize… “Grin and bare it” AND “moonshine” all in one entry… pure genius!

  11. 11 blue girl April 17, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    lol @ Jennifer’s moonshine comment! Funny.

    Scrib, I was in a meeting several years ago with the president of the company and a young marketing exec who was all of about 22. A drop dead gorgeous, tall, sexy redhead.

    She was giving a presentation of some sort and every time she turned around she had to streeeeetch up high for something. She was wearing faded low-rise jeans, spiked pink pumps and a lacey pink thong.

    I’m not sure the (male) president paid much attention to *most* of her presentation. And neither did I! The pink thong is about all I could remember. lol

    It sure was sexy. But definitely not business attire! Not sure what gave her the idea it was. Must’ve had something to do with being 22-ish.

  12. 13 scribbler50 April 17, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Blue Girl: Sounds like she KNEW it wasn’t business attire but just didn’t care. It was all about showing off her ASS-ets. By the way, I love how you spelled the word “streeeeetch”, I could see the whole scene.

  13. 14 Chris L April 17, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Slobbification now extends, I was sorry to learn recently, to wakes. I was at one recently and saw a young man in line to pay his respects – with an untucked shirt. This was no teenager, either.

  14. 15 scribbler50 April 18, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Chris: As I’m sure you already know, the untucked shirt has been in style for quite a while so your guy was not being a slob he was being cool. At least in his mind. But the fact that he was older means he’s a fool!
    According to studies, (exhaustive studies I’ve conducted with a panel of experts) the cut off point for this fashion statement is 23 years, four months and three days. 🙂

  15. 16 The Hornet April 18, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Remarkable. On Saturday I took a walk over to the liquor store/sandwich shop around the corner from my house. Needed a few mid-day supplies, if you know what I mean. 80-degree California days can run you through a lotta beer. The lady that runs the joint is nice enough, prolly mid-to-late-30s-ish, friendly, nice smile.

    So I walked through the store, grabbed a twelve-pack and then at the last minute decided to pick-up a bag of chips or pretzels or some such. As I turn the corner down the snack aisle, there was the aforementioned “lady that runs the joint,” down on the floor on her hands and knees, stocking a bottom shelf, with fully visible couple inches of ass-crack over the top of the back end of her jeans. WOAH! Well, naturally my preferred chips were right over there in the ass-crack zone. There was no way to get to them but to walk right up behind her, which might have startled her even if her ass-crack hadn’t been hanging out. Butt it was (sic). AWKWARD! So awkward — and embarrassing, in fact — that I went with my second choice, which was on the other end of the aisle, and made a beeline for the checkout line and got the heck out of there.

  16. 17 Jager April 18, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    A couple of years ago I was on a flight back east and next to me was an attractive late 20’s-early 30’s woman. Her jeans had a rise of only 2-3 inches maz…she got up to go to the head and as she inched by (facing me) there was about a quqrter inch of well trimmed pubic hair peeking over the to of her fly. That veiw coupled with her glorius breasts looking like a couple of canteloupes in a lace basket pretty much had me in a state of arousal for the next 5 and 1/2 hours! The story ends with the flight since Mrs J was picking me up at Logan, later she didn’t know what hit her!

  17. 18 Jager April 18, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Wow, I just looked at my spelling, guess i should wear my reading glasses when I comment!

  18. 19 brenda cullerton April 18, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    a huge ‘tee hee hee’ down here. Toe cleavage. That’s just about as revealing as I get these days. So oh how I woulda loved to have seen you miss the glass! YOU crack me up.

  19. 20 scribbler50 April 18, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    The Hornet: Well, a considerate gentleman you are, Sir, to abandon your favorite chips so that she can save face. Or “ass”. Good for you. And thanks for that story, man.

    Jager: Gee, I wonder what picture you held in your mind while Mrs. J. was trying to figure out “what hit her”? 🙂

    Brenda: And a huge “toe hoe hoe” over here, given your cleavage of choice… you crack ME up!!
    (PS: Best of luck with your book, Brenda, and anyone reading this comment should click on your site and watch the trailer for it.)

  20. 21 physiobabe April 20, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    “In days of old, a glimpse of stocking…” 😉

  21. 22 d-a-p April 20, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    …between mr.fallon last week and the young lady with the amazing “smile”…your bar sounds like the place to be…however now that i think about it… i may be too old to take delight in the “view” cause
    i remember so well the answer to the question…”what is love”?…….answer..
    “five feet of heaven in a pony tail”…
    times have certainly changed…
    p.s. did she have a pony tail????

  22. 23 scribbler50 April 21, 2011 at 1:22 am

    physiobabe: Well said, how times have changed! Meanwhile, babe, “Anything Goes”, which you probably already know, is running right now on Broadway to rave reviews. If written today would it be, “as days go now a glimpse of chassis is so darn sassy…” etc.?

    d-a-p: You might have a point, old friend, the answer to “What is love?” now is “five inches of crack in a denim tail.” (Forgive me, that was a reach!)

  23. 24 Rhonda November 9, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    If only they had read the las line :-}

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