Sorry I’m posting so late, dear reader, (not that you’re waiting by your screen) but just like my beloved Steelers I was going to take a “bye week”. You know, rest my two deft typing fingers and protect my brain from any concussive thoughts… but then I thought better of it. (Especially when I got this thought this morning for a post.)
Here’s what came to me…
While going on duty this past Friday night your friendly bartender encountered an unfriendly rant. And it came from the guy I relieve each night (not his usual M.O.)… a consummate pro who’s normally in a pretty good mood. (Especially when he goes off duty!). He started with, “Do me a favor, will ya’, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure,” I said, “what’s that?”
“When you do your blog this week,” he said, “how about writing about these goddam three limes people?”
“Huh?” I said, knowing exactly what he meant. (I just wanted to hear how he’d put it.)
“You know, these goddam pains in the ass who ask for three fucking limes in a vodka and tonic! It doesn’t even fit in the glass, for Chrissakes, it’s ridiculous!” His face was the color of Rose’, his voice constricted.
“Well,” I said, “if I can turn it into a blog I’ll give it a try, man.” But I knew at the time I wouldn’t try because how can I turn something like that into a blog? I mean a whole blog. Oh sure, I agree with my teed off colleague, this triple freaking lime stuff is nothing but a crock of shite, and if on any given night you’re dealing with more than three of these limeys, you’ll not only go through a third of an orchard and a half a box of Band-Aids cutting some back-up, you’ll be tempted to charge for a fruit salad when they leave. But a whole blog? Nah!
Ah, but then I got to thinking this morning (always a dangerous proposition), that since I do have a blog, since I do get to say some things that most other bartenders can’t… at least not in this format and to an audience… perhaps on their behalf I should air out some grievances. You know, a bunch of our “triple lime” things in addition to the real triple limes…. the stuff that gets our goat on a regular basis.
So, that said, and straight from the Bar-land complaint department, here is our list of gripes and otherwise grievances…
1) If you come in with a group from the office and you’re one of those guys who just can’t drink fast enough, order for yourself and leave the others out of it, okay? Don’t keep saying, “Give us another round, give us another round,” when everyone else is backed up to the gills. It’s “cocktails” not a keg party, so relax and try to act like you’ve been in a bar before.
2) Though well intended I’m sure, please don’t ask, “What should I have, bartender?” Especially if he’s busy! For unless you’re a regular customer and your habits are fairly well known, the question is unanswerable. (Read this…)
3) Try to keep your glass total to at least two per drink, whaddaya’ think? I mean, do you really need the cocktail itself, a glass of ice on the side and a glass of water? Three of you at the bar on a night makes the place look like the stemware section at Macy’s!
4) If you’re only having one drink, have the cash and decency to freaking pay for it. Don’t go and hand me a credit card, pal, okay? You’re the same guy that held up the line at Gristede’s the other day, paying for a bottle of Evian with a Visa Debit Card.
5) If you’re sitting there nursing a glass of wine for at least a solid hour (or a glass of water, for god sakes) til some guy sidles up and offers to buy you one… either drink up and order another or pay up. I’m trying to make a living, miss, your seat is valuable real estate, and our awning outside doesn’t read Harmony.com. And if you’re a guy who’s nursing a drink until a woman sidles up to you, you’ve either lost your fucking mind or you’re looking into your bathroom mirror when the steam hasn’t left the glass from your morning shower.
6) Ladies, if it’s possible (and I’m only half serious here), if you know you’re going to a bar after work could you please refrain from that lipstick that’s guaranteed to stick? We don’t have acetylene torches back there… the only thing that removes that gloss from the glass. Also, if you’re putting your purse on the bar, let it be less in size than carry-on luggage! I have drinks to set down.
7) If ordering a “margarita rocks, no salt” involves more than the seven syllables required to say it, you’ve already had too many so order, “No mas.” Which goes for any other kind of drinker who can’t pronounce his drink in the required (syllabage?)… know when to say “when”, my friend, not “Ole!!!”
8) (This is number 8, don’t know where that smiley face came from nor do I know how to lose it) Please don’t snap your fingers, pal, to try and get our attention, which also means no whistling or yelling our name. Believe me we see you, and if we don’t just try and be patient until we do. Or raise an arm which we’ll catch in our periphery. When a colleague at work wants to get your attention does he or she whistle or snap their fingers at you? Same thing. We may be in the service business but we’re not trained dogs.
9) Know when to say “fuck” and when not to. I realize the word is like “the” these days as far as its shock value goes, but some people just don’t want that assaulting their evening. Know your room and pick your spots, okay? It’s not all that fucking hard if you fucking think about it.
10) Don’t try to be cute and say, “Let me have one more drink and then toss me outta’ here.” Because it’s not cute and it’s not “one more” but a game you play and a game you always lose. The last time you said it, you not only didn’t mean “one more” drink but you took out a whole table on your way out the door.
11) Now I don’t mean to be a “meanie” on this one but… if you and your wife are dining out and you happen to be toting an infant, please try an pick a restaurant that’s baby friendly. Don’t come into a Mardi Gras setting when Happy hour still is in bloom, and think you’re not making everyone else uncomfortable. In fact it’s unsafe! I know you need a break now and then and have every right to dine out like everyone else, but just pick a place that knows and understands that. And that goes for tots as well, not just infants. (see #9)
12) I don’t have a number (12) at this point but maybe I will later on… I’m already late and I want to get this thing posted!
However, before I bid you adieu, ta-ta, adios, and see ya’ later, (and in the interest of fair play and of course free speech), please feel free if you leave a comment to tell me the things that bug you about what we do. Don’t worry, we can take it… but try to keep your word total under a thousand. 🙂
Over and out from Bar-land, see ya’ next week-end!