The things ya’ hear…

Like you, dear reader, there are times when your friendly bartender gets roped into chats he’d rather not have… “Sure, Mel, I’d love to hear about the movie you saw, scene by fucking scene except for the ending, leave nothing out!”… but it being a part of his job he tries to indulge. And yet there are times of course when the flip side occurs… when he’d love to have a meaningful chat based on something he hears in passing… but he’s just too busy to stop and have that exchange. He’ll think, Damn I’d like to weigh in on that, but alas he just can’t do it, to repeat… sometimes he’s just too busy.

Well, that said (and with the miracle of imagination), I’ve decided to try and make up for that loss… those curious missed tete-a-tetes… by quoting some lines I have heard to which I have comment. So pour yourself a drink, (or a cup of tea if you prefer) and please join me…

Now consider the time these two guys walked in for what was obviously a one-and-done… they not only paid for their drinks up front but pushed their change in the well (which is usually a sign)… who looked not only harried but almost scared.

First Guy: This is some serious shit, man, what do you think’s gonna’ happen?

Second Guy: I don’t know, Bro, we’ll see. I mean he already got caught for stealing and fucking on his desk… but this is serious!

Me: Excuse me? Did I hear you say this one is serious? What about those other two infractions, Corky, what would you call those beauties? Don’t they register an eight on the fire-able offense list? I mean unless you work for the mob, my friend, stealing is pretty darn serious, and as far as diddling on your desk is concerned… well, we all know what happened to George Costanza now don’t we? So good Lord, fellas, what the hell did he do that made this one serious? Did he pull out a gun at a meeting? Did he set fire to his office in hopes of a make-over? Do tell, harried office guys, do tell!!! But, alas, I was too damn busy so we’ll never know.

And then there was the time I remember well (as I pirouetted past two serious suits while juggling a tumbler of martinis and two chilled glasses) that I heard this ridiculous exchange which I still find hilarious…

First suit: Hey, man, I think that meeting went well, don’t you? I mean given the fact it’s our first time dealing with the Japanese.

Second Suit: Yeah, I guess it went okay, but I can’t believe I called the guy inscrutable. Jesus!

Me: You called him inscrutable? Holy number one son, Charlie Chan fan, serious gaffe on two level. First level… Charlie Chan not Japanese, Charlie Chan Chinese. Second level… like mist on glasses you obscure main fact, Japanese now more American than most American. Not inscrutable at all but most irrefutable! So tell me, honorable Sales Guy, how you get big job dealing with Japan! But, alas, I was too damn busy so I never weighed in.

And I’ll never forget this sweet, little pearl as I jete’-ed down the mahogany clutching three Coor’s Lights in one hand  cupping two Chardonnays in the other, handling a two-deep Happy Hour I had inherited.

First Coors Light: So there he is, obviously a homeless guy… I mean filthy clothes, the whole magilla… sittin’ on one of those plastic milk crates drinkin’ some kind of Starbuck’s deal and get this… he’s workin’ on a fucking racing form while he’s sittin’ there. Do you believe that shit? I mean actually circling the picks he’s gonna bet on. And right beside him is a big old cup for donations. And there’s actually money in it, dude, dollar fucking bills! Talk about balls!

Second Coors Light: Fuck, that’s beautiful. Only in New York, my man, only in New York (with a “high-five” accompaniment).

Me: Just tell me what corner he’s workin’, guys, that’s all I want to know. ‘Cause from me he gets a ten spot… three for originality and seven skins for flat-out freakin’ moxie!

And finally my all time favorite, strange as it seems…

Sales Rep: Well, those bastards did it again!

Guy to his left: Did what?

Sales Rep: They refused me again when I put down Viagra on my expense account.

Me: Who, whoa, you said Viagra there, right? Not “parking” or “business lunch” or “writing pads and staples”, right? Hey, Blue Pill Guy, I’m usually not one to poke my nose into other people’s… er-ah… shorts, but what the hell does Viagra have to do with sales?

Sales Rep: Viagra has a lot to do with sales because sales is all about  confidence… and confidence is all about putting your best foot forward.

Me: But we’re not talking about your foot now are we?

Sales Rep: Well no, we’re not talking about my foot but it harkens back to this confidence thing which is crucial to any salesman. See, when you’re out there all by yourself it’s important to keep your confidence up, no pun intended, because you want to feel like anything at all is possible. And anything that hinders that feeling is just another road block. So, do I have to paint a picture for you? Screwing is part of “anything” that is possible.

Me: Geez, I’ve heard of salesmen screwing their clients but you’re talking screwing them literally. Like in the Biblical sense.

Sales Rep: Not exactly. It’s not about actually screwing someone… bingo-bango in bed… it’s knowing you can screw ’em if it comes to that. See my point?

Me: I sure do, pal, and I can see why you’re in sales. Your boss is a tyrant.

Geez, fictional response on my part or not, that really felt good to finally get that out. Better late than never I guess.

And to you, dear reader, please bear in mind this friendly advice which I freely pass along… when chatting away in your favorite bar remember your bartender hears all, so be careful of what you say or you might get blogged!

Over and out from Bar-land… see ya’ next week-end!

16 Responses to “The things ya’ hear…”


  1. 1 Isis the Scientist January 23, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Wow. The dude with the Viagra. Wow.

  2. 2 Donna B. January 23, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Jete? Pirouette? Your talents never cease to amaze me!

  3. 3 scribbler50 January 24, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Isis: “Wow” is right, and I swear I heard that “dude” spilled out some of that logic. (justification?) And on more than one occasion because I know the guy.

    Donna B: Well…. perhaps I exaggerated just a little there, or better put… I took poetic license to balletic heights! In truth I think I tripped when I heard those comments.

  4. 4 Jennifer January 24, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    and confidence is all about putting your best foot forward.

    And from then on, it was known as putting your best wood forward…

    I still wonder what the first guy did… what would make stealing and riding the wild desk pale in comparison??

  5. 5 scribbler50 January 24, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Jennifer: You and me both. What DID he do? But as I said, they were one-and-done and gone and I wasn’t privy. Nor have I ever seen them again to ask. (Very funny with the “wood” by the way.)

  6. 6 physiobabe January 24, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Hahahaha!

  7. 7 siobhan January 24, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Now I REALLY can’t wait to come visit you at the bar – I expect to see you execute a flawless jeté and double pirouette, without spilling a drop of my gimlet.

  8. 8 JSaw January 24, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    Great reminder about bartenders hearing every word — it’s like the meta-Facebook situation.

    If you really want it private you probably shouldn’t go to a bar, or post it on Facebook, or comment on a blog… wait a minute…

    Thanks as always Scribbler.

  9. 9 scribbler50 January 24, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    physiobabe: Thanks for the chuckle, my friend, glad you enjoyed.

    Siobhan: Okay, I’ll do my best but I refuse to wear a tutu!

    JSaw: Your welcome, man, and it really is funny about bartenders hearing stuff. For some reason people feel there’s a wall there or something. In fact if the truth be known I’m sure I’ve filled some bartender’s ear with nonsense of my own. Thanks for the comment.

  10. 10 Anonymoustache January 25, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Classic stuff, bro!
    I guess that’s what sales people mean when they talk about driving a hard bargain.
    As for the first guy, I really don’t think I want to know….

  11. 11 scribbler50 January 25, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Anonymoustache: And another classic pun by you, “hard bargain” is perfect! Thanks, man.

  12. 12 d-a-p January 25, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    those set-ups are priceless….probably even better than the endings…
    its amazing that up to now you haven’t just put down the drinks…leaned in..and said…”what the hell are you thinking” but then you have decorum and tact….and besides… we wouldn’t get to hear these great stories..
    d-a-p

  13. 13 Irishirritant January 26, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Wisconsin observation overheard at small establishment one morning…”The first drunk of the day is the happy one.” Didn’t stick around to see what the second one was like. Thanks Scrib, as always.

  14. 14 Donna B. January 26, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    You tripped instead of executing a flawless jete? I’m so disillusioned. Back to being a bartender instead of a barretender… what a letdown 🙂

  15. 15 pete s January 28, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Scribbler50,
    Can’t wait to discuss the comic genius of Larry David with you.
    Enjoyed the blog, be well my friend.

  16. 16 scribbler50 January 28, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Donna B: Great play on words, my friend, it took me a second to get it. “Barring” any unforeseen setback I’ll try and be quicker next time.
    Thanks!


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