Like you, dear reader, there are times when your friendly bartender gets roped into chats he’d rather not have… “Sure, Mel, I’d love to hear about the movie you saw, scene by fucking scene except for the ending, leave nothing out!”… but it being a part of his job he tries to indulge. And yet there are times of course when the flip side occurs… when he’d love to have a meaningful chat based on something he hears in passing… but he’s just too busy to stop and have that exchange. He’ll think, Damn I’d like to weigh in on that, but alas he just can’t do it, to repeat… sometimes he’s just too busy.
Well, that said (and with the miracle of imagination), I’ve decided to try and make up for that loss… those curious missed tete-a-tetes… by quoting some lines I have heard to which I have comment. So pour yourself a drink, (or a cup of tea if you prefer) and please join me…
Now consider the time these two guys walked in for what was obviously a one-and-done… they not only paid for their drinks up front but pushed their change in the well (which is usually a sign)… who looked not only harried but almost scared.
First Guy: This is some serious shit, man, what do you think’s gonna’ happen?
Second Guy: I don’t know, Bro, we’ll see. I mean he already got caught for stealing and fucking on his desk… but this is serious!
Me: Excuse me? Did I hear you say this one is serious? What about those other two infractions, Corky, what would you call those beauties? Don’t they register an eight on the fire-able offense list? I mean unless you work for the mob, my friend, stealing is pretty darn serious, and as far as diddling on your desk is concerned… well, we all know what happened to George Costanza now don’t we? So good Lord, fellas, what the hell did he do that made this one serious? Did he pull out a gun at a meeting? Did he set fire to his office in hopes of a make-over? Do tell, harried office guys, do tell!!! But, alas, I was too damn busy so we’ll never know.
And then there was the time I remember well (as I pirouetted past two serious suits while juggling a tumbler of martinis and two chilled glasses) that I heard this ridiculous exchange which I still find hilarious…
First suit: Hey, man, I think that meeting went well, don’t you? I mean given the fact it’s our first time dealing with the Japanese.
Second Suit: Yeah, I guess it went okay, but I can’t believe I called the guy inscrutable. Jesus!
Me: You called him inscrutable? Holy number one son, Charlie Chan fan, serious gaffe on two level. First level… Charlie Chan not Japanese, Charlie Chan Chinese. Second level… like mist on glasses you obscure main fact, Japanese now more American than most American. Not inscrutable at all but most irrefutable! So tell me, honorable Sales Guy, how you get big job dealing with Japan! But, alas, I was too damn busy so I never weighed in.
And I’ll never forget this sweet, little pearl as I jete’-ed down the mahogany clutching three Coor’s Lights in one hand cupping two Chardonnays in the other, handling a two-deep Happy Hour I had inherited.
First Coors Light: So there he is, obviously a homeless guy… I mean filthy clothes, the whole magilla… sittin’ on one of those plastic milk crates drinkin’ some kind of Starbuck’s deal and get this… he’s workin’ on a fucking racing form while he’s sittin’ there. Do you believe that shit? I mean actually circling the picks he’s gonna bet on. And right beside him is a big old cup for donations. And there’s actually money in it, dude, dollar fucking bills! Talk about balls!
Second Coors Light: Fuck, that’s beautiful. Only in New York, my man, only in New York (with a “high-five” accompaniment).
Me: Just tell me what corner he’s workin’, guys, that’s all I want to know. ‘Cause from me he gets a ten spot… three for originality and seven skins for flat-out freakin’ moxie!
And finally my all time favorite, strange as it seems…
Sales Rep: Well, those bastards did it again!
Guy to his left: Did what?
Sales Rep: They refused me again when I put down Viagra on my expense account.
Me: Who, whoa, you said Viagra there, right? Not “parking” or “business lunch” or “writing pads and staples”, right? Hey, Blue Pill Guy, I’m usually not one to poke my nose into other people’s… er-ah… shorts, but what the hell does Viagra have to do with sales?
Sales Rep: Viagra has a lot to do with sales because sales is all about confidence… and confidence is all about putting your best foot forward.
Me: But we’re not talking about your foot now are we?
Sales Rep: Well no, we’re not talking about my foot but it harkens back to this confidence thing which is crucial to any salesman. See, when you’re out there all by yourself it’s important to keep your confidence up, no pun intended, because you want to feel like anything at all is possible. And anything that hinders that feeling is just another road block. So, do I have to paint a picture for you? Screwing is part of “anything” that is possible.
Me: Geez, I’ve heard of salesmen screwing their clients but you’re talking screwing them literally. Like in the Biblical sense.
Sales Rep: Not exactly. It’s not about actually screwing someone… bingo-bango in bed… it’s knowing you can screw ’em if it comes to that. See my point?
Me: I sure do, pal, and I can see why you’re in sales. Your boss is a tyrant.
Geez, fictional response on my part or not, that really felt good to finally get that out. Better late than never I guess.
And to you, dear reader, please bear in mind this friendly advice which I freely pass along… when chatting away in your favorite bar remember your bartender hears all, so be careful of what you say or you might get blogged!
Over and out from Bar-land… see ya’ next week-end!