Hooray for the little guy…

Your friendly bartender posted once about a (place where he used to work), where it was all the help could do to avoid their wine list. Yes, they hated that little nine by twelve cardboard nightmare. They found it too much trouble, too damn fancy, and simply too much not just a glass of beer. But just as dreaded as that “Whine List” I might add, looking back on those days of yore, was the posting of the summer drinks on the overhead chalkboard. For when that fateful day occurred each year as those drinks made their way onto the menu… usually around July first… louder than the chalk heard scratching across slate as the manager scrawled out the list, was the collective groan of the staff in ursine conniption.

And from that day forward (when the boss was out of the building of course), if someone was brazen or foolish enough to ask for one of the selections, and exchange something like the following would surely be heard…

“Ahhh, I’ll have a Banana Daiquiri.”

“No you won’t, we’re out of bananas.”

“How about a Strawberry Daiquiri?”

“Sorry, the strawberries went bad.”

“Hmmm… well then let me just have a nice Pina Colada.

“You know what? Let me check in the back, I think the goddam blender broke last night. Hold on a sec.” And gone he would be maybe never to return.

Get the picture? No “soup” for you if it has to be chopped, sliced, minced and it goes in a blender. But there was one on the staff, I’m happy to report, who was clearly different from the rest… the guy from that previous post named Louie the Cigar. Now granted, Louie also had no intentions of ever making a blender drink, but the way he went about that avoidance each time was priceless. For Louie was a politician, dear reader, a schmoozer of the first order, and he always chose a massage over the body block. Here’s an example…

Three young guys came in one day… one hot-ass summer day… and took a seat at a table right near the bar. These guys were sweaty and tired and ready for a liquid cool down. But when the biggest guy of three looked up and saw the “Summer Drinks” sign, Louie was over at the table so fast you’d have thought his mission was to deliver the life saving Heimlich Maneuver.

“Soooo,” said Louie, trying to run a diversion, “are all you guys football players or what?” They were taken aback at first when he said this and the two smaller guys looked surprised, while the big guy just kept staring up at that drink list.

Then the littlest guy of the three finally broke the ice. “We’ve been known to toss a ball around,” he said, “why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, because yuz’ look like a coupla’ athletes to me, that’s all.” Louie was laying the groundwork with a sharp pick and shovel.  “So what kind of beer do yuz’ want,” he went on, “you look like you could use a nice cold one.”

At which point the big guy, the only one of the three who not only looked like he’d tossed a ball around but had actually carried a ball in full pads into an end zone, took the lead and not to Louie’s liking. He said, “I don’t know, I was kinda thinkin’ about one of those summer drinks. You know, like a Banana Daiquiri or somethin’.”

“Whoa, whoa, hold on there,” said Louie, feigning shock and kerfuffle, as he walked around and grabbed the  guy by his bicep. “Jesus, man, that stuff’s not for you, a big strapping guy like yourself, that shit’s up there for broads if ya’ wanna’ know the truth. If you want my advice, and believe me I know what I’m talking about, you’re better off stayin’ away from a drink like that. I mean think about it!”

And by the look on the guy’s face after he’d taken this whole thing in, one would’ve thought that instead of summer drinks that list had contained seven cute outfits for Barbie. And one for Ken!

“Well I don’t know about these guys,” the littlest guy broke in boldly,  “but I’m having me a nice cold bottle of Budweiser.” Louie gave him a wink.

“And so will I,”  said the middle guy, also middle in size, “a Bud’s exactly what I feel like having right now.” Two down and one to go!

“Now yer’ talkin, fellas, now yer’ makin’ sense. That’s what yer’ supposed to  do in a place like this. Two Buds comin’ up.” Then he turned to the big guy with hopes of a clean sweep.  “And what about you there, Moose, should I make it three?”

To which the big guy said forlornly, his manhood fairly at stake at this point not to mention his sweet tooth turning more sour by the second, “Ahh, yeah, sure, I’ll have a beer as well… yeah, make it three.” But not wanting to appear a lemming he added, “but make mine a Sam Adams if you would, okay?”

“You got it, pal, Sam makes a hell of a beer… you made a good choice.”

And as Louie marched away from the table having run yet another successful anti-blender campaign, he winked one more time at the little guy… the one in his mind who’d taken the lead… who’d caught Louie’s pass and taken his team into the end zone. And the little guy, smiling in conspiratorial glee at that wink, gave him a wink right back… he was, for that moment in time, the big guy at the table. Yes, a sweet sight it was indeed… the little guy, for a change, scoring the touchdown.

Over and out from Bar-land… see ya’ next week-end!

15 Responses to “Hooray for the little guy…”

  1. 1 physiobabe December 5, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    Another masterpiece, Scrib. I see I’m numero uno! I’ve been waiting here for you channeling good will and wishing you good health. Love ya.

  2. 2 scribbler50 December 5, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Love ya’ right back, Physiobabe, and thanks. Your good will and good health accepted.

  3. 3 Ken December 5, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Scrib: Good to see you back behind the stick.

  4. 4 scribbler50 December 5, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    And it’s good to be back, Ken, thanks a lot.

  5. 5 jc December 6, 2009 at 9:30 am

    Barbie needs way more than 7 cute outfits. I’d fire up the blender to see Moose wear a Banana Daiquiri!

  6. 6 d-a-p December 6, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Runyon would be proud…
    great start to my day..

  7. 7 Anonymoustache December 6, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Glad to have you back in top form bro…great post!

  8. 8 Comrade PhysioProf December 6, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    What would the position have been on dudes ordering negronis?

  9. 9 Jennifer December 6, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Another Scribbler classic.

    You know, after the other manly men ordered their beers, I think I would have fired up the blender just to see how manlike Moose could nurse that daiquiri.

    I think I also would have kept a Carmen Miranda hat behind the bar for any man ordering a summer drink, saying it was a custom…. you can have the pina colada, but you gotta wear the hat…

  10. 10 scribbler50 December 6, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    JC: I’m sure Barbie could use twenty outfits but seven or eight was the number of drinks on the board. And hey, go easy on poor Moose, JC, he went through enough, no? 🙂

    d-a-p: Thanks, Bud, and a fine “citizen” you are for mentioning Runyon

    Anonymoustache: Glad to be back, Stache, thanks, Bro.

    Physioprof: “What would the position be on Dudes ordering negronis?” No blender… no problem.

    Jennifer: The Carmen Miranda hat thing is hilarious.
    I love it! And I’m damn sure it would quiet the male blender traffic. Your comment, as always, is a real keeper. Thanks, friend.

  11. 11 Scicurious December 7, 2009 at 9:59 am

    I’m glad to know that you guys are better at avoiding blender drinks than poor little baristas. Every since Starbucks had to go can invent the effing FRAPPACINO, coffee shops everywhere have vibrated to the irritating, violence-inducing whine of the blender throughout the summer months and well into winter. Having done my time in several coffee shops, I can tell you there’s nothing worse. But of course, some frappacino thing sounds SO much better than an iced latte…

  12. 12 JSaw December 8, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    So glad to see this post. What a great way to begin the Xmas season…

    Still thinking of you and hoping for good things.

  13. 13 scribbler50 December 8, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    Sci: Never been in a Starbucks and now that you’ve told me it’s a vibrating buzz factory, I doubt I ever will. Thanks, as always, for checking in.

    JSaw: Thanks, man, it’s a good way for me to begin the season as well. All the best.

  14. 14 Donna B. December 10, 2009 at 1:29 am

    This one is hard for me, dear Scribbler. You see, as a woman I have feelings for both the little guy who related to the ‘keeper of the spirits’ and to the big guy who probably just wanted something refreshing.

    Oh, yeah… I know I’m over-analyzing this, but can I just give both the little guy and the big guy a hug? And lovingly swat the bartender on the behind?

  15. 15 scribbler50 December 10, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Hey, Donna, I’m with ya’ and believe me you’re not over analyzing. I’m not saying the bartender was right (remember, these are the guys who won’t even handle a wine list), I’m just relating a story about how those old timers operated. Politically incorrect on nineteen levels and raised in a different era, they were who they were and I find them at worst simply humorous.

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