It’s my “serve”…

Hey, welcome back, dear reader, you’re here just in time. I need an opinion. See, your friendly bartender has this crazy theory and he needs a friendly ear to test it out on. You know, to give him a yea or a nay. It’s all about heaven and how the hell you get there.

I know, I know, not what you were expecting. Heck, I wasn’t expecting it either but I was standing here cutting some limes just now when this crazy thought just popped into my head. Here, let me get your drink first ’cause I don’t want to get distracted once I get into this. Maker’s on the rocks, right? Good.

Okay, here’s the theory…

According to many of these spiritual disciplines and more than a few Bible entries, the surest way to heaven is to serve others. Like this Mother Teresa for example, I think she’s already got a foot and a half in the door. And look at the ones who are already in… Frank from Assisi, Terry from Avila, and Cathy, of course, from Siena… they all spent their lives in the mode of serving others. Why even Dylan espoused this message when he sang “You Gotta Serve Somebody”, not that Bobby’s rockin’ under a halo. But the point according to most is simply this… serving others is how you get into heaven.

Well if that is indeed the case… “we gotta serve somebody”… then my job by it’s very description puts me in. I’m a server! I pour therefore I serve, no? And just because I pick up tips for my service shouldn’t stand in the way of canonization. Hell, even the Apostles had a tip sack when they bounced around. Wow! You’re ready for a refill already? Sorry, man, I know this is heady shit but I gotta get this out. Hang on. Okay, here you go, Maker’s rocks, my friend. Now, where was I? Oh yeah… here’s the big part… the part where I’m not just serving drinks but I’m serving mankind in the bargain. Like in those beatitudes or platitudes or some damn thing I heard or read somewhere. To prove it let’s do a check list.

And He said… “Comfort the sick.” Well, dear reader, I can’t tell you how often it’s been that your friendly bartender has obliterated some of the the nastiest hangovers in New York City with one of the best Bloody Mary’s in New York City. And how many Bar-land hic-cups he’s cured by serving his fool-proof Angostura-lemon concoction. Inestimable! So… comforting the sick? {Check}

And He said… “Embolden the meek.” Got it covered. For how many times has one of my servings bolstered the courage of the meek… has enabled some guy who is trembling in his boots to walk across the room and say hi to some woman? Well I’ll tell you how many times, one hell of a lot! Yes, many is the night my stiff Rob Roy has turned some stiff named Rob or Roy into Don Juan. Or one of my perfectly mixed Cosmopolitan’s has turned some shy country girl into a real Cosmopolitan. So… emboldening the meek? {Check}

And He said… “Give succor to the poor.” Got this one covered as well. At least once a month one of my regulars (and you know who you are) hands me a card which when swiped comes up DECLINED! But being your most friendly bartender (St. Scribbler to be more precise) he doesn’t put that person on the spot or direct him back to the dishwasher, he simply says, “No sweat, I’ll hold your tab.” Positively beatific! So… giving succor to the poor? {Check}

And He said… “Comfort the poor in spirit.” Well, Holy Christ indeed, at least once a night your friendly bartender, after pouring for the poor in spirit, listens while the poor in spirit pours out his life. And does your friendly bartender ever turn his back on this person… this person with myriad problems for which he seeks counsel? Of course not. He stays (and in saintly fashion) listens to the man. And listens… and listens… and listens… until this person who was poor in spirit becomes richer from the experience. Or in some cases downright giddy if the truth be known. So… comforting the poor in spirit? {Check}

And He said… “Abide your enemies.” Covered like a blanket. At least once a week some customer comes in (not a regular, thank God) who tries to turn your bar into his court. You know, the customer who’s widely thought of in Bar-land as an asshole. He’s loud, he’s opinionated, and in general someone you want to run right out the door. But… but… instead of 86-ing, he abides. And abides… and abides… and {Grrrr!} abides! Because that’s the gig, dear reader, the “hospitality industry”. Yes, unless Sir Asshole breaks some rule he can’t be thrown out just for being… well, an asshole! So… abiding his enemies? {Check} and fucking {Check}

Okay, I’m finished. Of course there’s a hell of a lot more to this but the point, I think, has been made. And that point is this. Simply by doing his job and doing it well, your friendly bartender might’ve served himself into heaven. Whaddaya’ think? Woops, empty glass again… will ya’ have another? You won’t? You’re kidding. Two and done? That’s a switch! What’s that? Instead of sitting here drinking you’d rather go out and serve your fellow man. Damn, that’s a fine idea… give me sixteen bucks and we’ll call it a day!

Over and out from Bar-land… see ya’ next Saturday.

35 Responses to “It’s my “serve”…”

  1. 1 BikeMonkey September 19, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Q. E. MuppetHugging D. !!

  2. 2 lfineaux September 19, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Yep, you’ve earned your five crowns. Royal, even.

  3. 3 jc September 19, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    Saint Scrib, a sad sad thought, parting is such sweet sorrow. I was planning on joining goddess of hotness Isis to burn up the dancefloor in hell. If it gets too boring with the cloud hopping up there, you can definitely “get out of heaven” free by telling the holy rollers to go fuck themselves. It worked for me – I canceled out **years** of catholic school! Or maybe you can serv-ice (get it, serve ice) to the hawt below for bonus points if you like it up there.

  4. 4 Anonymoustache September 19, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    1) Clarance Darrow couldn’t have presented the case better!
    2) If you don’t have a first class suite reserved for you in heaven, it ain’t a place worth inhabiting, and
    3)You open up a discussion on uncertainty regarding the supernatural and make the featured drink a MAKER’s on the ROCKS…..Niiiice!

    Wordsmith par excellence you are, young Scribwalker.

  5. 5 lfineaux September 19, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    I’m certainly in awe of the word-smithing. And I should point out that I’m Donna B. Apparently I have two WordPress logins and I’m to dumb to know how to manage them.

    Someday, when I finally grow up and get really smart, I’m going to move to NY and live 1/2 block from Scribbler’s bar and be able to go there more than once a week.

  6. 6 Catharine September 20, 2009 at 5:47 am

    You’re in, for sure. Mother Teresa, who thought suffering is in some way spiritually enlightening, can go straight to hell as far as I’m concerned.

  7. 7 physiobabe September 20, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Hi Scrib! Been a while since I’ve commented, but I especially like the wordsmithing (is that a word, I wonder?) in this post. Hope all is well.

  8. 8 scribbler50 September 20, 2009 at 11:08 am

    Physioprof: Thanks so much for the mention, a heavenly gesture indeed, Dude!

    Bikemonkey: Have no idea what your comment means so all I can say is, thanks… (I hope)

    JC: So, you see the afterlife as “Dancing with the Stars”, eh? To wit: Isis! Fat chance, my friend… she’s a goddess, for God sakes! Better you bop up to heaven to twirl that fandango. They have a huge Recovering Catholic section I’m sure you’ll find to your liking.

    Anonymoustache: Still in Yoda-speak, eh? All I can say is… enjoyed reading your comment, I did. Clever as always, you are.
    Thanks, Stache.

    Donna B: A comment by any other name is still a gem if sent by you. I just opened a house account for you, all that’s needed is you to start running it up!

    Catharine: I’m not going to comment on Terry but I agree we needn’t suffer to crash The Gates. A kind word here, a nice gesture there and who knows… maybe that’s all that’s needed to earn a stool in St. Peter’s Pub for eternal Happy Hour! Nonsense of course but a nice thought I’m sure you’ll agree.

    Physiobabe: I’m doing quite well, thank you very much, and even better now that you’ve stopped by. It’s been so long I almost gave your seat away!

  9. 9 physiobabe September 20, 2009 at 11:34 am

    I don’t always comment, I know, but I never miss a Sunday morning with you. Keep my seat warm, K?

  10. 10 Pascale September 20, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    So how much service is required? I mean, I was a waitress before attaining my degrees! Although the last few years I have been working on my own circle in hell… but that’s OK, cause all my friends will be there!
    My daughter, as a bartender and waitress, may be saved, though…

  11. 11 Jennifer September 20, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    So, are you trying to convince us that Jesus was really a bartender? Communion takes on a whole new meaning.

  12. 12 scribbler50 September 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Pascale: If you’ve spent more than ten minutes of your life as a waitress (and if my silly theory holds water) you will not only make it to heaven but rate a triple halo. There’s no bigger pain in the ass (or test of one’s saintly patience) than working tables.
    See ya’ in heaven!

  13. 13 Robe September 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    You most certainly are going to heaven. You will drive a will be forever young. you got good things coming your way.I know it! You may not like me but I like you.

  14. 14 scribbler50 September 20, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    Robe: Stop with the “not like me” stuff, it’s getting silly. But do continue with kind words, most appreciated indeed.

  15. 15 Anonymoustache September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Bikemonkey’s comment was essentially QED or Quod Erat Demonstrandum—a Latin phrase that used to be written at the conclusion of statements of proof (such as mathematical proofs) and it literally translates to “Which was to be shown (proven)”.
    QED is colloquially used to mean “Proof. End of story.”

  16. 16 scribbler50 September 20, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Jennifer: I’m not saying he was a bartender but I know he would’ve been a cost efficient owner. Just look what he did with that jug of water at Cana!

  17. 17 scribbler50 September 20, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Anonymoustache: Impress you continue to do. Thanks for clearing that up, man.

  18. 18 Isis the Scientist September 20, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    No matter where I end up, I will be busting a move.

  19. 19 siobhan September 20, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    “I pour therefore I serve….” – A simple, solid philosophy of modest altruism (albeit for a paycheck) for modern times. This is a great post, scribbler – and thanks for the Maker’s!

  20. 20 scribbler50 September 20, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Isis: And wherever that is I want to be there!

  21. 21 scribbler50 September 20, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Siobhan: Glad you enjoyed the Maker’s because I always enjoy your comments. Or to put it philosophically… you comment, therefore I enjoy.
    Thanks, dear friend!

  22. 22 d-a-p September 21, 2009 at 10:52 am

    this is one of the very best investments of 16 bucks i’ve ever made…
    i believe “classic” is not too strong an adjective to put on this weeks musings…you’ll be up in heaven no doubt…but hopefully not for a very very very long time…in the meantime, pour me another maker’s and let’s talk a little longer…then i’ll see about going out and “serving mankind”

  23. 23 scribbler50 September 21, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    d-a-p: Another Maker’s coming up and this one’s on the house. Thanks, as always, for the kind words!

  24. 24 brenda September 21, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    If any man has left a mark the Maker will remember, it’s you, scribbler. And by the way, your moniker is far too modest for the kind of poetry you pour…

  25. 25 scribbler50 September 21, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    And your words are far too kind. Thank you very much and definitely welcome aboard. If I keep on pouring the same kind of stuff I hope you become a regular.

    PS: Of course it’s none of my business but I’m curious to know who that woman was you wrote about in today’s post. The one in the Italian restaurant. And speaking of “poetry”, that’s what I read when you took us into that jazz club.

  26. 26 JSaw September 21, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    Race last week, religion this week!!! Very very brave Scribbler. Assuming there will be a political post next Saturday? 😉

    For the record, I vote yes to your question. Not to get all “bible thumper” on your ass, but the Lord said “This above all else, love one another” — and what you do does that, but it also helps others to do it to others as well.

    (OK, that was supposed to be spiritual but ended up vaguely sexual. Well – love is love.)

  27. 27 scribbler50 September 21, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    JSaw: I’ll take it as spiritual and thanks.
    Meanwhile, don’t know what next week-end holds, never do til the deadline approaches, but I guarantee you it won’t be about politics. Too ugly these days, too contentious. I don’t permit it in the bar (at least if I can help it) so I damn sure won’t be doing any of it it here. That’s why “God” created Bob Cesca!
    Thanks again.

  28. 28 Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde September 22, 2009 at 1:45 am

    This is brilliant, but I am distressed to hear about the sorry state of Physioprof’s finances. Maybe we can take up a collection or something.

  29. 29 scribbler50 September 23, 2009 at 12:08 am

    Dr. Jekyll & Mr.s Hyde:
    I’m not aware of any Physioprof financial crisis and neither is he so I guess this is a joke I’m totally missing. But I didn’t miss your compliment so thanks!

  30. 30 scribbler50 September 23, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Dr. Jekyll & Mrs.Hyde:

    I think I figured out the joke. You’re saying Physioprof is the guy with the DECLINED credit card, yes? If so, very funny indeed. Sorry for being so obtuse.

  31. 31 serendipity37 September 26, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    You made a lot of good points. Now, read John 3:3–better yet, read the whole book of John. I do enjoy your blog. You are an expert at wording and very nimbled-witted. Thank you.

  32. 32 scribbler50 September 26, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    And thank you, Serendipity37, much appreciated!

  33. 33 Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde September 26, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    Sorry it was a bit opaque. Any comments I leave at 1:45 am are written one-handed while nursing a baby, so there’s my excuse…

  34. 34 scribbler50 September 26, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    You weren’t opaque, Dr., I was just dense. Best wishes to the little one!

  1. 1 Scribbler’s Going Straight To Heaven « Comrade PhysioProf Trackback on September 19, 2009 at 3:56 pm

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