After last week’s sentimental journey down his personal memory lane (which your friendly bartender truly enjoyed sharing with you), he’s decided to return to the arena in which he’s most comfortable… that of ranting and raving. And the subject of this week’s rant are these things called “flip-flops”.

Are you serious, Scribbler, flip-flops? You mean we’ve traveled all this way through cyberspace to your place and this is what we’re discussing over the mahogany? Frigging flip-flops?

Yes, flip-flops,  my valued and esteemed patron. And not those politicians, mind you, who ride both sides of the fence on myriad policy issues (a fence if I had my way would be made of barbed wire), but the flip-flops that some have the nerve to call footwear. Footwear in restaurants! So sip your drink and let me break this down for you…..

First of all, before we even go into the restaurant and discuss the sins of wearing such things in public, your friendly bartender has got to pose this question. What makes a grown man, the minute the mercury hits sixty degrees, feel the need to shelve his shoes and replace them with slabs of rubber which house nothing? In other words, what makes an otherwise seemingly sane person, an upward-walking homo-sapiens type person, decide that his best sartorial endeavor in displaying his best-shod self can be accomplished by donning a pair of foam rubber pads? Pads last seen in a shower stall, (doubtless), crawling with various fungi, highlighting now one of God’s unsightliest creations… the male foot. I just don’t get it. I mean there’s a thing called open-toed shoes, my man, best seen on sisters not brethren, and then there’s this thing called “open foot” which you’re sportin’. They cover nothing. Have you no sense of what grosses people out?

And second of all, Dude, since you do insist on making this annual fashion mis-statement… whereby you can’t wait to drop the leather and don the rubber… what’s the rush that I’m already seeing this in April? In fucking April!!! Hey, it’s not even close to summer, my friend, and with climate changes being what they are it could snow at any minute and you’d be less likely looking at “coolness” but rather frostbite. Or a severe case of ingrown stupidity.

Now, many restaurants I’m sure do not permit this non-footwear practice (Scribbler’s included) but far too many pay this thing no mind. Thus a family of four who is out on the town for their once-a-month big night out, is forced to dine within reek shot of Dude’s metatarsus. Not cool.

So to wrap this up, barefoot contester, let me put it to you this way. The only restaurants where flip-flops are acceptable are the places with sand on the floor… places whose drinks come in coconut shells not goblets. And where the favored activity is not dine-and-chat but bending over backwards under a limbo pole. And so when I do see some cat with his big nasty peds stretched out into the aisle in a civilized eatery, his big bare nasty peds stretched out into the aisle in a civilized eatery, I want to hand him a thick pair of argyles and hit him with something like the following… “Excuse me, Tarzan, some of us are eating over here and unless you’re about to go down to the basement and stomp us some fucking grapes for the house red, you need to slap some fabric over those gun boats! Cover up, man!”

Ahh, but what’s the use in bitching, right? Civility’s gone forever. For in a society where people show up for the theater looking like they’re on their way to a pie eating contest, or the arm wresting finals in Petaluma, California, what surprise is shower shoes worn in a restaurant? None. I just wonder how this might’ve played out years ago in a restaurant in old New York, with a barefoot man coming in and asking for a table.  Well, I’ll tell you how. He would’ve been asked what circus he’s from and sent right back to it. Finish your drink, dear reader, I’m going on break now.

Over and out from Bar-land, see ya’ next week-end!

17 Responses to “Peda-gawk-ery!”

  1. 1 MikeG April 25, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Oh, my! I guess Florida really is that different. The only time I wear shoes is in the lab (and only if the head office safety team is in town).

    Of course, if the mercury hits 60, I might put on not only shoes, but wool socks and a thick sweater.

  2. 2 leigh April 25, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    from what i’ve seen- the farther south you go, the more likely this is to happen, and the more accepted it becomes. i am no fan of flip-flops, but i appreciate a nice pair of sandals.

    fwiw, i had to turn on the air conditioning today when the indoor temperature hit 90 degrees.

  3. 3 Donna B. April 25, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    I love men. I love males. But their feet… eh. One of my favorite sons-in-law has by-god the ugliest feet on the universe. Fortunately he knows this and displays his feet only to close family, who will love him for his other extremely wonderful attributes.

  4. 4 Anonymoustache April 25, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    I can’t decide where I stand on this issue. I guess it’s better to just toe the line and not act like a heel. But there’s something to be said for being instep with the times.

  5. 5 jc April 25, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    It’s also the noise of the flip-flopping and shuffling that makes Fred Flintstone annoying.

    Anonymoustache, you are HEEL-ARIOUS.

  6. 6 scribbler50 April 25, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    I agree, Anonymoustache is flat-out pun-arific! But know that I’ve tried to stop this man at every turn of his phrase, and send him back to the “punnery” where he belongs. But he keeps on coming back with words from his “sole”… the man’s unstoppable!

  7. 7 Isis the Scientist April 26, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    Scribbler, I am not a fan of naked man feet. I don’t understand why you call cannot embrace the pumice. The pumice is your friend.

    Then again, I have seen some janky toes on women in my time and wished they would cover those beasts too.

    But, yours is a special case. I have been to NYC and have seen how yucky the ground is there. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to wear open toed anything there.

  8. 8 physiobabe April 26, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    While I agree with Isis that the pumice stone is highly effective, I cannot agree with the reference to NYC. There are far skankier places in this country where flip-flops are the shoes of choice. For instance, anywhere in Florida!

  9. 9 Comrade PhysioProf April 26, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Comrade PhysioProf would never wear flip-flops in a restaurant or bar.

  10. 10 Isis the Scientist April 26, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    While I agree with Isis that the pumice stone is highly effective, I cannot agree with the reference to NYC. There are far skankier places in this country where flip-flops are the shoes of choice. For instance, anywhere in Florida!

    Physiobabe, I have been to NYC and see all manner of bodily fluids excreted on the ground by all manner of species. Dr. Isis keeps her peds covered in places like that. Florida didn’t seem quite so skanky.

    Comrade PhysioProf would never wear flip-flops in a restaurant or bar.

    Yeah…uh huh, PradaProf

  11. 11 scribbler50 April 26, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    Except for maybe some isolated pockets I can’t imagine Florida being as sidewalk-funky as New York. This is the damn melting pot and that pot has overflowed a long time ago… onto the streets! I might have to go with Isis on this one.

    No comment on CPP footwear!

  12. 12 Pieter B April 26, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    I’d never wear flip-flops in a bar or restaurant unless the floor was actually sand, not just covered with sand. Besides, they look really silly with the kilt.

  13. 13 d-a-p April 27, 2009 at 10:16 am

    never liked em…won’t ever like em…have told friends who wear them…i don’t like them…shipboard and island hopping…otherwise…
    melt em down and make some eco-friendly ed begley bobbleheads…

  14. 14 scribbler50 April 27, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Excellent, d-a-p, very funny! His Begley-ship would be proud.

  15. 15 TomJoe April 29, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    I HATE flip flops. A huge pet-peeve of mine, which my wife laughs at (because I vent publicly about it whenever I see it, as I hope those who are doing it will hear AND STOP THE BEHAVIOUR) are those people who wear flip-flops, jeans and some sort of pullover.

    I mean, if it’s cold enough to wear jeans and a pullover … why are you exposing your little piggies to the elements?!?!

    I don’t wear flip-flops (I’ll wear sandals ONLY if I’m going to the beach), and I’m convinced there is a special level in hell for those who do.

  16. 16 scribbler50 April 29, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Thanks, TomJoe, glad you agree. And as for your, “if it’s cold enough to wear jeans…”, etc. I used to think the same thing when I’d see some yo-yo in early March riding around in an open convertible with a heavy coat on. I mean if you have to wear a parka and a scarf, put the fucking top up. We can see you have a convertible, Sir, relax and wait til summer!

  17. 17 Lost in The City May 3, 2009 at 7:42 am

    great rant!!!

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