Even though your friendly bartender is out from behind the stick enjoying the holidays, drinks are still being mixed in his fertile mind. Why just this very morning… to toss out the “auld” and ring in the “new”… he’s whipped up a series of cocktails to serve on this blog. They are all actual drinks, strange as their names may seem, and all (I feel) appropriate for each recipient. Your friendly bartender has placed on his list some good guys, a lot of bad guys, and some wonderful, regular folks he’s met in the blogosphere. That said… pull up a stool, put away your money, what you are about to drink is all on me.
My New Year’s Cocktail List…
George W. Bush… have an Adios Motherfucker, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass. (In fact, I’ve mixed up a whole pitcher of these to share with every asshole who carried your water.)
Barack Obama… have a Golden Dawn, and may that indeed be what lies ahead for all of us.
Ex-Governor Spitzer… have a Between The Sheets, and stay between your own for Christ sakes!
Senator Larry Craig… have a Harvey Wallbanger, (’nuff said!)
Bernie Madoff… have a Kamikaze, may you crash and burn never, ever to return.
Sarah Palin… have a Brain Eraser, may the bigotry, idiocy and downright meanness (packaged as Godliness) be erased not just from your mind but from this planet.
All Boston Sports Fans… have an Apple Knocker, you hate The Apple anyway so why not drink to it.
Meryl Streep… have a Garbo Cocktail, you’re still the greatest actress since Greta Garbo. (And give Seymour Hoffman a sip while you’re at it!)
All Ricky Gervais Fans… have a Gin Rickey, and toast the best British import since John Cleese.
Comrade Physioprof… have a Salty Dog, and keep on cussin’, my brilliant Cousin!
Donald Rumsfeld… have a Rummy Worm, somehow those words just seem to go together.
Isis The Scientist… have a Flirtini, no one mixes titillating sex and brilliant science like you do!
Hannity and Limbaugh… have a Global Warmer, maybe if you drink it you’ll believe it.
Sunday Football Widows… have an In And Out Martini, cause “in and out” is what you’ll get after the late game.
Drugmonkey… have a Bongwater, man, may it spark and trip your already mad rebel genius.
Alberto Gonzales… have a Truth Serum, and may it kick in when they drag your lyin’ ass in for some real questioning!
Anonymoustache… have a Godfather, you’re indeed the godfather of stats, research and football analysis. (Go Steelers!!!)
Dick Cheney, have a Heart Stopper, it’s been your bombs and your wars that have stopped the beating of tens of thousands of hearts, and the breaking of the hearts of the hundreds of thousands who knew them. (note: Don’t sip this drink, Sir, chug it!)
Gorgeous Young Women Everywhere… have an Old Lay, then call me.
Amy Winehouse… have a Mocktail, you’re too awesome a talent to check out early.
Neocons One And All… have a Dark And Stormy, that’s what lies ahead and you damn well earned it.
Abel Pharmboy… have a G-Spot, the “G” stands for Genius and the “Spot” stands for all your spot-on postings!
And there you have it, dear reader, your friendly bartender’s New Year’s cocktail list. And while he’s at it, he’d also like to serve up here a healthy Cordial to those who are most deserved. To the friends I mentioned above… Physioprof, Isis, Drugmonkey, Abel Pharmboy and Anonymoustache… who generously helped to launch this site by giving it a giant mention on theirs, I offer a fine brandy cordial and the wish for a happy and healthy 2009.
PS: Please feel free to mix your own cocktail and leave it in Comments.