“Would you mind asking the lady…”

Dude… no offense, but if you happen to look like the back end of a moose and your bar behavior is perilously close to Carrey’s “Ace Ventura”, don’t ask your friendly bartender to offer that woman at the end of the bar a cocktail on you… that woman who could launch the next SI Swimsuit Edition. Some things just aren’t done and this is one of them.

Now don’t get me wrong, in one respect your friendly bartender admires your “can do” spirit, just as he admires the guy who goes over Niagara Falls in a barrel and ends up in Lake Ontario riding a stave, but let’s face it… we both look bad in this fool’s errand and the possessors of an error in judgment, (and downright moxie), right up there with Giuliani’s run for the White House. Or Carl Lewis’s singing of the National Anthem. It’s just bad form.

And your friendly bartender says all this not so much to slam your ass but to save his reluctant own from getting lugged and tugged ridiculously into this folly. For if he’s really going to play his part in all this he has to deliver your message with a straight face. And since your friendly bartender always tries to play his role with aplomb, you’ve asked him to don leotards and do Macbeth!

So please, if you really think you have a shot leave my ass out of it… man up, my friend, and do the gig yourself. It’s called walking  over and introducing yourself,  wading into sane conversation, then offering to buy a nectar fitting for a goddess. It just might work. (And of course “Norbit” could one day be looked upon as a classic.) For as Fats Waller famously once said, “One never knows, do one!”

And finally… if you do succeed in phase one and she accepts your offer of a drink… this drink which could easily involve a cherry… please don’t ask if she can tie the stem of the cherry in a knot with her tongue.  And I say that for two reasons. First, because it’s something you would do and  a goddess wouldn’t respond to such a ploy; and second, if by some uncanny measure of  good fortune she does respond and pulls off the stunt with a sensual and lewd dexterity, your friendly bartender might just blow his brains out behind the stick!

PS: If you’ve never heard Carl Lewis’s infamous National Anthem which he warbled a few years back before a basketball game, go to You Tube and check it out. Truly remarkable!

PPS: I realize I state the obvious here but isn’t You Tube itself flat-out remarkable? Jesus, everything that’s ever been done seems to be there. Sermon on the mount, anyone?

18 Responses to ““Would you mind asking the lady…””

  1. 1 Isis the Scientist December 8, 2008 at 2:46 am

    As an actual goddess (of the domestic and laboratory variety), I completely agree with the content of this post. Plus, I can tie the cherry in a knot.

  2. 2 scribbler50 December 8, 2008 at 2:51 am

    Glad you agree with this one, Isis, and somehow it doesn’t surprise me you can do that cherry stem thing.

  3. 3 White Trash Academic December 8, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    For me, it was never the bartender but the server who was stuck with the task of bringing me the drink (and they look rather thrilled about doing so).

    The best/funniest/lamest attempt was when the server brought the drink over but the person who ordered the drink wanted to remain anonymous. So, I am now on some weird gameshow where I go around to every possible ‘contestant’ in the bar until I find the one?

    Yeah, no….I’ll just drink your drink, assuming you didn’t put anything in it but since it went straight from bartender to server to me I think it’s alright.

  4. 4 scribbler50 December 8, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    Ahh, but you didn’t know who had sent the drink and perhaps if you did you wouldn’t have so gladly accepted it. Which was precisely my point. Perhaps your mysterious benefactor (suitor?) is a wall of angry tattoos, out on parole, drooling into his own drink fittingly called a Zombie!

    Also, WTA, I never thanked you officially for putting me on your blog roll so let me take the time to do so here. Thank you!

  5. 5 Anonymoustache December 9, 2008 at 4:48 am

    Just curious—Have you ever had women request that you send over drinks to some random dudes or is this just a test o’sterone?

  6. 6 scribbler50 December 9, 2008 at 5:32 am

    Can’t recall that ever happening but then George Clooney is not one of my regulars.

  7. 7 Jim December 9, 2008 at 7:49 pm

    Long before I convinced the L&T Mrs. to go get hitched I was quite the shy individual. While in most things I like to think of myself as fairly confident, when it came to the fairer sex I got hopelessly twisted. And yet, even with all that, I STILL never attempted that trick for two reasons – One, I thought it was something that only happened in movies. Two, even if I did happen in real life, I figured it never worked anyway.

    I’m surprised to learn that it does happen in real life, but glad to know that it doesn’t really work (so I’m 1 – 1).

  8. 8 BassMan December 9, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    Well done! “Single malt double asshole” was priceless..See you soon for a few brews some house red and movie chatter at the best “denail center” in town!!

  9. 9 Jim December 12, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Slightly off topic, but serious etiquette question for YFB – I’ve found a new drink that I really enjoy, the Vesper. It’s obviously gained a little more popularity thanks to the recent James Bond movies, but doesn’t appear to be widely known. So the ponder is, how best to ask my local “Stick” for said drink. “Can you make…”, “Are you familiar with…”, “Do you know how to make a…”

    The second part of this is – If the answer is no, is it appropriate to give the recipe? Or just let them look it up? In short, I want the drink I want, I just don’t want to be a jerk about it…

  10. 10 scribbler50 December 12, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    Thanks for bringing that up… I wasn’t familiar with the Vesper having never been asked to make it, just looked it up and now I am. Ya’ learn something every day.

    But hey, if said politely there’s never anything wrong with saying… “Are you familiar with a drink called….” etc., and if the bartender hasn’t heard of it say, “If I gave you the ingredients would you mind giving it a go?” Unless the bartender is some kind of arrogant bum or handling a crowd three deep crowing in unison for a refill, why wouldn’t he oblige and make the drink? It happens to me all the time with all those kiddie-land foo-fa-roo beauties I wrote about earlier. The “Slippery” this and the “Ticklish” that or whatever the fuck those drinks of the month are. And my answer is always the same, “I don’t know the drink but if you tell me what the hell’s in it I’ll be glad to make it.”

    PS: I’ve also had the wise-ass guy who comes in and says, “Hey, man, do you know how to make a Manhattan?” I won’t bother telling you what your friendly bartender has to say to this clown. But the point is, like with anything else, it’s all in how you ask. Politeness reigns!

  11. 11 scribbler50 December 12, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    Jim: I just had a thought… you being a cyclist and all, why not do a one-up on James Bond (his drinks and his gadgets) and fill that strap-on bicycle bottle with a nice helping of Vespers. And at journey’s end it’ll not only refresh but definitely it will be shaken not stirred!

  12. 12 Jim December 17, 2008 at 1:10 am

    Oh, now that’s a bad idea. We used to ride to the Redhook Brewery but the problem is that after a couple of beers the last thing you want to do is get back on the bike. Now rides END at Redhook. I think knowing I had Vespers in my bottle would have a similar effect…

    BTW – Thanks for the answer. I’ve found that the best way to get great service is not be arsehole to the server, hence the question.

  13. 13 Alex January 2, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Sorry, I disagree. In MY single days I would ask MFB to send the lady a drink. If she just raised her glass and thanked me, I left it at that. More than a few times she would come over to thank me and sometimes ask me to join her. The secret is DON’T BE OVER BEARING. It’s only a drink not the hope diamond. Buying a lady a drink is a waning tradition and I agree mostly wasted on aholes who just don’t get it.

  14. 14 scribbler50 January 2, 2009 at 9:50 am

    You make a good point, Alex, and under normal circumstances I would agree. If done right, the sending over of a drink can be a classy gesture at worst and a wonderful ice-breaker at best, but the crux of this whole post was the fact that the drink sender in my scenario was one of those overbearing “A-holes”. And to ask YFB to be his middleman en-route to slaughter is, as I said, sending me on a fool’s errand. Nothing wrong with the gesture, it’s who’s making the gesture.

    I’m sure in your single days you weren’t the guy I described and I would’ve GLADLY been your partner in crime!
    Thanks for responding.

  15. 15 Isis the Scientist January 2, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Look, I’m not one to generalize about a dude I don’t know (so, here I go), but in my experience it was always the biggest asshole sending me the drink who protested the loudest that he was not an asshole…

    I still drank the drink though and left the humble barkeep and even bigger tip for having to be a player in the awkward shenanigans.

  16. 16 scribbler50 January 2, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    “… and left the humble barkeep and even bigger tip for having to be a player in the awkward shenanigans.”

    Ahh, Isis… your priorities are in order… that, my dear, is the proper Bar-land etiquette!

  17. 17 Isis the Scientist January 2, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Fret not, sweet barkeep. I have left A LOT of bigger tips for adorable little bartenders who have had to deliver drinks as a pawn in some awkwardness. I imagine, since I am still incredibly hot, that I will have to leave many, many more big tips.

  18. 18 scribbler50 January 3, 2009 at 3:19 am

    Unlike what all we mere mortals must think it can’t be easy being “incredibly hot”, and a goddess in the bargain no less, and clearly when it’s all said and done not inexpensive! So my heart goes out to you, dear Isis, the financial burden you carry tip-wise (and I assume will continue to carry in ongoing hotness) is inestimable!

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