Dude… no offense, but if you happen to look like the back end of a moose and your bar behavior is perilously close to Carrey’s “Ace Ventura”, don’t ask your friendly bartender to offer that woman at the end of the bar a cocktail on you… that woman who could launch the next SI Swimsuit Edition. Some things just aren’t done and this is one of them.
Now don’t get me wrong, in one respect your friendly bartender admires your “can do” spirit, just as he admires the guy who goes over Niagara Falls in a barrel and ends up in Lake Ontario riding a stave, but let’s face it… we both look bad in this fool’s errand and the possessors of an error in judgment, (and downright moxie), right up there with Giuliani’s run for the White House. Or Carl Lewis’s singing of the National Anthem. It’s just bad form.
And your friendly bartender says all this not so much to slam your ass but to save his reluctant own from getting lugged and tugged ridiculously into this folly. For if he’s really going to play his part in all this he has to deliver your message with a straight face. And since your friendly bartender always tries to play his role with aplomb, you’ve asked him to don leotards and do Macbeth!
So please, if you really think you have a shot leave my ass out of it… man up, my friend, and do the gig yourself. It’s called walking over and introducing yourself, wading into sane conversation, then offering to buy a nectar fitting for a goddess. It just might work. (And of course “Norbit” could one day be looked upon as a classic.) For as Fats Waller famously once said, “One never knows, do one!”
And finally… if you do succeed in phase one and she accepts your offer of a drink… this drink which could easily involve a cherry… please don’t ask if she can tie the stem of the cherry in a knot with her tongue. And I say that for two reasons. First, because it’s something you would do and a goddess wouldn’t respond to such a ploy; and second, if by some uncanny measure of good fortune she does respond and pulls off the stunt with a sensual and lewd dexterity, your friendly bartender might just blow his brains out behind the stick!
PS: If you’ve never heard Carl Lewis’s infamous National Anthem which he warbled a few years back before a basketball game, go to You Tube and check it out. Truly remarkable!
PPS: I realize I state the obvious here but isn’t You Tube itself flat-out remarkable? Jesus, everything that’s ever been done seems to be there. Sermon on the mount, anyone?