A real flaming asshole!!!

Your friendly bartender is not so naive as to think all bad behavior comes from your side of the bar… he’s fully aware there are jerks behind the stick. Jerks a-plenty!

He knows there’s the full-blown, arrogant bartender who sees your raised hand and pretends that he doesn’t. He knows there’s the sleazy, dishonest bartender who pads your check figuring you a fifteen per-center. And he also knows there’s the sloppy bartender and grumpy bartender too, not to mention the know-it-all fuck who won’t shut up. But worst of all he now knows there’s the “flaming asshole” bartender, revealed in this little snippet from the New York Post.


“A bartender’s flaming drink stunt at a popular Upper West Side bar left a Manhattan woman engulfed in flames… As Great Balls of Fire came on the juke box, the bartender poured 151-proof rum across the bar and deliberately lit it on fire… The flame blew back into the bottle turning it into a flamethrower.

Excuse me? What the fuck???!!!

Did Sparky test this shit out first in lab class back at The Bartender’s Institute of Insanity? And did he think for a second there might just be some danger here? Like a slight chance those who walked into the bar under their own power, might just leave on a gurney headed for the burn ward?  Or did he just tap his foot and bop his head to good ol’ Jerry Lee Lewis and think, “Awww, man, I got it! This’ll get ’em… let me just grease down this bar with a swath of “151”, then light the fucker and see what the hell happens.”

Geez, why not toss a hand grenade into the equation?

And if it was indeed this song that kicked off  what not to do with matches, what would’ve happened if Devo’s Whip It had thumped in? Would he have climbed over the bar and given this woman thirty fucking lashes?

But do you know where all this stuff comes from… this behind the stick ass-hole-ery to the third power? It comes from the all too popular trend now of bartender-as-performer happy horseshit. (See the old Tom Cruise movie, “Cocktail”. Or don’t, and pull out your toenails instead.) Yes, it’s this bottle-flipping, moon-walking, drink-lighting, check-me-out performance art that leads to guys in bow ties torching the citizenry.

And it’s all nonsense… and the quality of the finished product suffers in the bargain. The trickiest your friendly bartender gets while performing behind the stick is stabbing a couple of olives with a toothpick. And he feels sorry for the olives!

But seriously, Sparky, the next time you feel the urge to dabble in pyrotechnics during your shift, take a deep breath (no matter what song is tickling your inner arson) then wait til the Fourth of July when you can strap your sorry ass onto a homemade rocket and launch yourself out over the Atlantic. I’m just sayin’!

(Movie Recommendation) Speaking of “Cocktail”… the most absurd depiction ever of what it’s like behind the stick (Tommy Boy spilled more than he poured with that lame-ass juggling act)… your friendly bartender directs your attention to the little known indie gem, “Dinner Rush”. Except for the hot dog bartender who is completely ridiculous and someone I wouldn’t let pour me a glass of tap water, this movie is the most authentic look I’ve ever seen of what goes on in a restaurant. Other than Danny Aiello and that guy who played Carrie Bradshaw’s boyfriend on Sex and the City (YFB is embarrassed to have known that!) the cast is largely unknown and spot on terrific. And the ending is great!

9 Responses to “A real flaming asshole!!!”

  1. 1 Comrade PhysioProf November 23, 2008 at 3:27 am

    I’m relieved that when I’m in front of your bar, Scribbler, I know that the only risk is that you’ll tell me the truth about what a fucking degenerate drunk I am. I feel confident I will not be set afire!

  2. 2 White Trash Academic November 23, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    Wow..what an idiot. Isn’t there some sort of annual contest too with bartenders and the juggling?

  3. 3 Anonymoustache November 23, 2008 at 5:54 pm

    I am outraged too. I mean, what the fuck? Does the song go “Great BARS of fire”? NO. It goes “Great BALLS of fire”! I am outraged that the fucker’s comprehension was poorer than his judgment. I mean, he should have poured the 151 into his pants and LIT the fucker UP. He’d have been happy that he could call his balls ‘great’ and we’d have been happy that we could call his balls ‘fried’. Somewhere the spirit of Darwin mutters “So close……so damn close”.

  4. 4 scribbler50 November 24, 2008 at 3:24 am

    Yes, there are all kinds of contests for this kind of carrying on. I won’t be competing this year… I lost my asbestos vest!

  5. 5 Jim November 26, 2008 at 1:25 am

    Dang – Need to find out where that bar is (or more to the point who the moron is) so that people give it a WIDE berth. I don’t live in NYC (other side of the country) but would hate to wander into a place like that and suddenly have an episode of “Emergency” bust out.

  6. 6 Jim November 26, 2008 at 1:44 am

    BTW – When talking about food service related movies can I recommend “I Really Hate My Job”? A good Indie about one evening at a small cafe. It stars Neve Campbell and a bunch of people you’ve never heard of, but it’s an enjoyable little film (as a bonus, Ms. Campbell gets nekkid in it as well).

  7. 7 blue girl December 13, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    Hey, Scribbler! Thanks for the link back to this post. I’ve always loved to watch how a bartender works. Normally, they are of the “no nonsense” nature and I am in awe of their skills.

    I think you would like the bartender at our regular Friday night hangout. She’s a hard worker, she’s fast and she’s polite. She has this thing I can tell she’s doing where she’s thinking about six things at once. All she needs to get done within the next few minutes. She smiles, tell us our order will be right up and then pivots to get all she needs done…done.

    I’ve never experienced a flame thrower!!! Thank God. That is one wicked story and how awful for that woman.

    Anyway, bartenders are cool! And I include you in that group. Can’t wait to experience a Scribbler performance in the future. 🙂

  8. 8 scribbler50 December 13, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Blue Girl: She sounds great and I’m sure I would be impressed. I was just referring to those where performance becomes the thing and not the service. You’re definitely lucky to have someone like her at your regular spot.

  1. 1 The Incredible “Shrink-ing” Man « Behind The Stick Trackback on February 27, 2010 at 2:35 pm

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