Single Malt… Double Asshole

There’s yet another annoying snobbery afoot in that place I like to call bar-land, (there always is with these aging “yups”), and this one has to do with single malt scotch and the newly minted single malt connoisseur.  And how do you spot him, this know-it-all in brands, corkage and trends? Easy. He’s usually in his mid to late forties, he’s usually wearing a suit, tie and baseball cap, and he usually says shit like this after he’s asked what single malts you carry and you’ve rattled off at least fifteen brands…

“Oh, then you don’t have Too-ra-loora-loora?” (Or some such obscure fucking brand known only to him and two other North Americans.)

Now of course when your friendly bartender hears this he wants to say, “Oh, we have it, Pal, I just didn’t want to mention it… but son-of-a-bitch you found my ass out.” Or, “If I carried it, wouldn’t the hell I have said so, Corky?” But being a thorough professional on at least thirteen levels, he instead says politely, “No, I’m sorry, that one we don’t have.”

But not content to leave it at that, Malt Breath, after looking around to see who’s watching his one man fucking seminar in what to drink, tags the brief exchange with, “You really should get it in. I’m serious!”

Well, like earlier, your friendly bartender wants to say, “Jesus, thanks for the tip, man, that’ll keep the doors open. We’ve only been in business here since nineteen twenty six!” But of course, being a thorough professional now on at least fourteen levels, he politely responds to the order with, “Thanks, I’ll mention it to the owner.”

Note: If I had said I do have “Too-ra-loora-loora” in my initial inventory rattle-off, even if I didn’t, I guarantee you Malt Man would’ve come up with something even more obscure (known only to him and no other North Americans) even if he had to make one up. This is the same guy, I swear, who is capable of holding up a loaf of Seven Grain Bread and calling out to the grocer (who’s waiting on someone else of course), “Excuse me, excuse me, Sir… could you tell me exactly which seven grains are in this?”

Hey, pal, five years ago, before your company went public, you didn’t know a Cabernet from Hire’s root beer, okay? So relax, have a seat, take off your baseball cap… unless you’re pitching the back end of a twi-night double header… loosen your tie and have a nice Glenlivet.  Whaddaya say?

Note to me: Maybe go lighter next post, talk about something funny, but admit it… this venting really feels good.

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24 Responses to “Single Malt… Double Asshole”

  1. 1 Comrade PhysioProf November 12, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    Dude, gimme a motherfucking Jameson rocks, water back!!

  2. 2 GooseNYC November 12, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    So vivid!!! Love it…

  3. 3 Physiobabe November 12, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Oh, you’re good!

  4. 4 The Improp November 12, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    I’ll have three fingers of the Too-ra-loora-loora, with a little bit of pepper… and some cheese.

  5. 5 ambivalent academic November 12, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    CPP and/or scribbler – OK the snobbery sucks, but Glenlivet? Come on, have a little class…out wait, I forgot, you drink mofo Jameson.

    Other better and still well known = Bunnahabhain, Aberlour, Lagavulin, Caol Ila, Bruichladdich…may not be able to pronounce them all but surely you’ve heard these butchered names before?

    Sorry, but it’s too much fun to wind you up. 🙂

  6. 6 Anonymoustache November 12, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    Too-ra-loora-loora kicks ass! You gotta have it with a pound of ice and mixed with Mountain Dew though!

    Glenlivet’s nice, but I’m happy simply with the mutt stuff. Four fingers of the Famous Grouse or Black Label with a splash of water would be quite fine, thank you.

  7. 7 The Improp November 12, 2008 at 6:59 pm

    Just never ever ever try Burberry scotch. It’s heinous. It’s like you’re drinking liquid campfire smoke.

  8. 8 hypoglycemiagirl November 12, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    Just wait till you try the extremely rare 27.5 yo double matured (burbon/sauternes) non-chill filtered Too-ra-loora-loora (in numbered bottles). Kicks ass.

  9. 9 Anonymoustache November 12, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    The Improp: “…liquid campfire smoke”.

    Hell, I’m gonna HAVE to try that. I am partial to the Islay scotchy-scotch-scotches.

  10. 10 sandy November 12, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    I like this post. I like it a lot.

  11. 11 ambivalent academic November 12, 2008 at 10:02 pm

    By the way I like the “Boondock Saints” reference…favorite movie of all time.

  12. 12 bikemonkey November 13, 2008 at 12:14 am

    tooo ra loo ra lad dey is way better anyway. real peat fire tase. too ra loo ra loo rah just tastes like burned sheep droppings!

  13. 13 cookingwithsolvents November 13, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    I’ll stick to the macallan 12, 18 or cask when I’m feeling rich or frisky. .. .

    Too-ra-loora-loora-er’s are a step above the beer snobs, though. . .I LOVE crafting (and craft) beer but it’s freaking BEER, people. . .it won’t cure baldness much less cancer.

    Or WILL it. . . ( Great, ’cause we need more IIPA’s…..

  14. 14 White Trash Academic November 13, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    Haha…please post more often! You are hilarious! Not a scotch drinker myself although I have had Lagavulin…I am more of the microbrew kind of girl…I don’t like the taste of forest in my drink, which is kinda suprising since I’m Scots-Irish.

  15. 15 Abel Pharmboy November 14, 2008 at 1:54 am

    Maybe go lighter next post, talk about something funny, but admit it… this venting really feels good.

    No way, chief! This *is* funny.

    If one learned from a proper drinking tradition, this mid-to-late fortydouche would have known that drinking (and drinking knowledge) is meant to be inclusive, not exclusive. Oh yeah, and pissing off your bartender is great form.

    Next time such a weebag shows up spouting forth such crap, send him to this site to illustrate how incorrectly he’s pronouncing Glen Douchie or whatever the hell.

  16. 16 bioephemera November 15, 2008 at 2:52 pm

    I live in a bar-heavy part of DC, and I see this kind of behavior all the time. It’s hilarious how clueless “young professionals” act while drinking. I honestly don’t know how our bartenders stand it!

    However, I have to ask you a question, because I’m afraid I may be annoying too. I started drinking late, and have not quite expanded my inventory to include the full range of beverages. I’ll just admit it: I don’t like beer. I like cider or lambic, but many places haven’t got it.

    Am I legitimately annoying the hell out of a pub barkeep when I ask if he has fruity faux-beer? Because that’s the feeling I get. I really don’t do it to be annoying or diva-ish; I’m sure patrons and bartenders alike wuld prefer I avoid drinking something guaranteed to make me nauseous half a bottle in. And trust me, my friends and boyfriend give me grief about it already.

    What’s your take on it? Am I a gadfly to bartenders everywhere? Should I stay home in shame?

    Love your blog, btw!

  17. 17 Doug Alder November 15, 2008 at 3:30 pm

    stands and cheers. Man I was a tarbender in a busy cocktail lounge for nigh on 20 years and had to deal with idiots like that pretty much daily.

  18. 18 scribbler50 November 15, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    It’s not so much “what” one orders that grates behind the stick… it’s “how” one orders it. And in your case, no friendly bartender worth his bulging tip cup should be annoyed if you led it off with something like, “You don’t happen to have… do you?” or words equally as unassuming and un-diva-ish, whereas Malt Breath up above if he had your tastes in sippage would come in and say, “Tell me your list of ciders and I need to know their states of orchard-age.”
    And just for the record, there is NEVER anything wrong with ordering non-alcoholic beer. If anything it says you know what you’re doing.

  19. 19 Alice in Blue November 15, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    Stories about a self-annointed aficianado/connoisseur always remind me of a short story by Roald Dahl: The Butler. The man who believes himself to be a connoisseur has, all along, been drinking a “cheap and odious Spanish red”.

  20. 20 The Ed Man Cometh November 17, 2008 at 12:33 am

    Oh Captain, my Captain! you are officially my new favorite blogger (having deposed hotjohnny). excelsior!

  21. 21 Alex January 2, 2009 at 8:37 am

    Oh, by the way, what flavored Vodkas do you carry?

  22. 22 Alex January 2, 2009 at 8:38 am

    I am old enough to remember those really hard drinks to make, a shot with a short beer back!

  1. 1 Single Malt…Double Asshole « Comrade PhysioProf Trackback on November 12, 2008 at 4:20 pm
  2. 2 So grow up already! « Behind The Stick Trackback on February 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

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