Tips, For God Sakes, Tips!!!

So your friendly bartender goes every Thursday to the same old laundromat, owned by this Chinese guy who thinks and talks of nothing but money. The guy adores money (the American dream) so every week we have the same conversation. (I mean the exact same conversation for the past two years.) He always starts with, “Machines very hungry today, you need a lot of quarters, ha-ha,” then follows it up inevitably with the following …

(For the purposes of this re-enactment let’s call me Jeff.)

“So, Jeff, you work tonight?”

“No, not on Thursday.”

“Oh, that’s right… you work on Friday, no?”

“Yeah, I work on Fridays.”

“Friday’s a good night, no?”

“Yes, very good.”

“Good tips, huh?”

“Very good tips.”

“Ha-ha-ha, I know you, Jeff, you like big tips. Ha-ha… Jeff, he likes big tips.”

Okay that’s the basic exchange although it sounds completely different from what you just read. That’s because my friend leaves off the last letters to certain key words which sends the whole conversation south and to the left. Now here’s the real conversation as it’s actually heard…

“So, Je–, you work tonigh-?”

“No, not on Thursday.”

“Oh, tha- right, you work Friday, no?”

“Yeah, I work on Fridays.”

“Friday good nigh-, no?”

“Yes, very good.”

“Good ti–, huh?” (first key word without the last letter)

“Yes, very good.”

“Ha-ha-ha, I know you, Je–, you like a big ti–. Ha-ha… Je–, he like big ti–!””

Now to anyone walking by who doesn’t know what the hell we’re going on about, it clearly sounds like “Jeff likes big tits”. But it doesn’t end there (every single Thursday for the past two years), for once I take my seat and begin my quest of the Times crossword laundromat guy comes over for a fucking encore.

Greedily rubbing his hands together (making this tableau all the more sleazy) laundromat guy continues with, “Heh-heh, yeah… I know you, Je–, you like a big ti–. Ha-ha-ha-ha, Mr. Je–, he like B-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g Ti–!” In front of something like ten or fifteen women.

It’s tips, for God sakes, tips!!! I scream in my head, and also running through my mind is the thought, Every woman in this room is thinking, “Button up, girls, we got one of those!”

Now don’t get me wrong, next to God and country, I love more bounce to the ounce when it comes to boobage, but I also love Jack Daniels and I don’t want someone yelling, “Jeff loves Jack!” (Not that there’s anything…)

And do you know what Chinese laundromat guy’s name is? It’s “Sy”. That’s right, Sy, as in… well… “Sy”. Go figure! As the columnist Cindy Adams would say, “Only in New York, kiddies.”

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