Caution!!!

Geez, when you read all these “side effects” warnings listed on the sides of medicine bottles, or hear them rattled off in television ads (oh so swiftly in a sing-song tone as if they’re listing a set of beatitudes not maladies), it gets your friendly bartender to thinking… should he be listing “side effects” warnings on his bottles? Because check out this disclaimer for a simple hay fever medicine. “Could cause nose bleeds, blurred vision, loss of balance, upset stomach, vomiting, muscle cramps, confusion, and in very rare cases death… if it leads to a crime committed in the state of Texas.”

Okay, so I went for the cheap joke there but didn’t everything else sound like something that could occur from your favorite cocktail? Me thinks it does and thus the following list…

Vodka: Possible side effects could include blurred vision, vomiting, memory loss, horribly impaired judgment… often resulting in a “one night stand” and a “morning after” from hell when vision returns. Vomiting could also recur at this point and in rare cases broken legs, as some have tried to escape through a second-floor window. (A woman in upstate New York dropped a full five stories!)

Recommended Usage: Two drinks a day if served as Martini or Gibson, four if mixed with soda water or tonic. (One if part of a Long Island Ice Tea.)

Single Malt Scotch: Possible side effects could include Acute Reverse Amnesia… your friends don’t recognize you! This is the result of their bearing witness to a heretofore unseen pedantry in all things Single Malt, disorienting those who knew you as a Bud Light. And further blurring their powers of recognition is your uncontrollable cork and snifter sniffing in public. Vomiting could also occur here, but again, only by your peers. (Caution: In very rare cases a distinct blackening under the eyes has occurred and a flattening of the Malt drinker’s nose when his pedantry has pushed a bartender way too far.)

Recommended Usage: Find a brand you like, stick to it and shut the fuck up about it!

Gin: Possible side effects could include, in addition to blurred vision and its attendant vomiting, V.B.S. or its full name… Verbal Diarrhea Syndrome. This results from a sudden rush of pseudo-knowledge in sports, politics and entertainment, which has to be expressed immediately and at great length. A blackening of the eyes is again a possibility, the result of a disagreeing viewpoint by a non-gin drinker. (Caution: A sudden English accent could also creep into your speech, but only if you’re wearing a bow tie and hate your station in life.)

Suggested Usage: Two drinks a day if served as Martini or Gibson, four if mixed with soda water or tonic. (None if you are standing next to a beer drinker.)

Beer: Possible side effects could include farting, bloating, belching, gloating, diarrhea and a severe loss in IQ points. Swelling of the palms could also occur due to excessive high-fiving, and sternum bruises from constant and unchecked chest bumping.

Suggested Usage: None if standing next to a gin drinker.

Irish Whiskey: Possible side effects could include blurred vision, rushes of manly bravado and, (especially if ingested as Jameson’s), acute Tourette’s Syndrome whereby  “fuck” is inserted every third or fourth word per sentence. Blackened eyes could also occur here but only to the person standing next to the Irish Whiskey drinker.

Suggested Usage: Four drinks a day if ingested “neat”, three if “on the rocks” (a heavier pour), but none if ingested within two blocks of an elementary school.

Wine: (See Single Malt Scotch.)

Tequila: Possible side effects could include vomiting, blurred vision, vomiting, swollen tongue, vomiting, memory loss, vomiting, a “one night stand”, excessive vomiting, and bruised heels due to excessive dancing. A bruised forehead could also occur but only if most of your falls happen face first. (Caution: the word “party” will no longer be pronounceable as you will only be able to express it as,  “pahhhh-teeeee, pahhhh-teeeee!”)

Suggested Usage: Three a day if part of a Margarita, four if done as a shooter, and one in any form if drunk in Mexico. (That shit is lethal down there!)

Rum: Possible side effects could include blurred vision, the desire to purchase a parrot, and in some cases a parcel of land down in Tortuga. Slurred speech could also occur as “Arrr-be-garrrr!” starts appearing in between sentences. (Caution: In very rare cases rum drinkers have started revolutions and overthrown governments, so if the urge occurs make sure you have an army!) Oh, and did I mention vomiting? Yeah, vomiting is often quite likely… and a corny Latin accent when ordering the Cuba Libre.

Suggested Usage: Two a day if part of a Mai Tai, three if in Cubre Libre, but none if flanked by a beer drinker and a gin man.

End of List.

PS: If you think I exaggerated about the parrot and the the rum drinker, check out this disclaimer (this actual verbatim disclaimer) for a pill that supposedly cures Restless Leg Syndrome. “… and could cause increased sexual drive and the urge to gamble.” Can you imagine? “Hey, Dude, how’d those pills work out you were takin’ for your legs?” “Like you wouldn’t believe, man. My legs are fine, I have a constant boner and I just won six hundred dollars in Atlantic City.”

Over and out from Bar-land… see ya’ next week-end.

24 Responses to “Caution!!!”


  1. 1 LostMarbles May 3, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Vodka…Recommended Usage: Two drinks a day if served as Martini or Gibson, four if mixed with soda water or tonic. (One if part of a Long Island Ice Tea.)

    If this is how you recommend ingesting vodka then you’re doing it wrong.

  2. 2 Lost in The City May 3, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    If only the single malt scotch drinkers out there would heed your advice…

    “Find a brand you like, stick to it and shut the fuck up about it!”

  3. 3 Comrade PhysioProf May 3, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Possible side effects could include blurred vision, rushes of manly bravado and, (especially if ingested as Jameson’s), acute Tourette’s Syndrome whereby “fuck” is inserted every third or fourth word per sentence.

    Dude, learn to fucking spell! It’s “Jameson”, not “Jameson’s”!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!! Just busting your chops, motherfucker!

  4. 4 Isis the Scientist May 3, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    What if I drink my vodka dirty? How many of those do I get?

  5. 5 scribbler50 May 3, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Lost Marbles: The “suggested usage” is just for the fun of it, not to be taken literally. Have five or six in any form you like!

    Lost in the City: Amen, glad you agree!

    Comrade Physioprof: Sorry about the apostrophe “s” after Jameson. But what the hell do I know… I’m just a dumb fucking bartender who drinks Jack Daniels’s.

    Isis: You can have as many dirty martini’s as your big heart desires. As I pointed out in that long ago post (the one about which you gave me holy hell) the dirtier the martini the more Dr. Isis can have. Simple matter of displacement.

  6. 6 leigh May 3, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    oh, such an appropriate post today, scribbler… i think i may have ingested all of those last night. but i wouldn’t remember.

    you’ve hit tequila so dead on, i don’t think there is any better way to say it. if you drink enough, you can get a good day and a half’s worth of vomiting racked up and waiting for ya. not that i’d know, of course.

  7. 7 scribbler50 May 3, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    Thanks, Leigh, and I wish you a speedy recovery!

  8. 8 chezjake May 3, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    But what the hell do I know… I’m just a dumb fucking bartender who drinks Jack Daniels’s.

    Ah. I was wondering why there was no entry for Jack or any other corn whiskey in your list.

    I hope I’m not treading in dangerous territory here, but from my experience there are two types of Jack Daniels drinkers (I can’t offer side-effects warnings, never having consumed enough to experience any.):

    1. The guy who gets dreamy eyed and says little besides, “Damn, that was good. Gimme another.” until you have to push him out the door before he falls asleep on the bar. (Redeeming quality — at concerts he’ll have a hip flask, at private parties a whole bottle, both of which he quietly shares with friends.)

    2. The guy who is a good conversationalist for the first three, and then the fourth brings out the southern drawl, the collection of tall tales, and the (hopefully) desperate search for country and western tunes on the jukebox.

    One more general observation: For some reason Jack Daniels drinkers seem less likely to become obnoxious drunks than drinkers of other corn whiskeys.

  9. 9 scribbler50 May 3, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    Well, as usual, Chezjake, you offer astute observation. I especially like the part about the life saving hip flask at gatherings (especially boring gatherings!). Your friendly bartender is none of the above though… the sleeper or the southern drawl… just a guy who likes good booze and good conversation. Frank Sinatra was a Jack Daniels man, but then so are half the shit-kickers south of Ohio. Go figure!
    Thanks for checkin’ in, man.

  10. 10 Anonymoustache May 3, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Great post Scrib50!
    Now let me tell you something about this great single malt I cam by the other day….it’s called Toora-looralooora and man, let me tell ya, it’s this Islay that was harvested in the highlands but stored in the lowlands and the peat and the …………

  11. 11 bikemonkey May 3, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    Well poured, my good man. Jolly well played, wot wot!

  12. 12 Anonymoustache May 3, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    Hey, what the fuck? I wasn’t done talking about the Toora loor

  13. 13 Anonymoustache May 3, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    Hey!! What’s going on. Whadday mean I’m cut off? I am ferpectly

  14. 14 scribbler50 May 3, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Anonymoustache: How about a nice cup of black coffee, whaddaya’ say, man? Then we can pick up in the lowlands and talk about the peat and stuff. C’mon!

    Bikemonkey: Jolly good comment, old chap… pip pip!!

  15. 15 Stephanie Z May 3, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Oh, dear. Prescribing three of my margaritas would definitely be malpractice.

    Scribbler, is it all right to dabble in single malts if I cut the talking down to, “Never had that one before. I’ll try it”?

  16. 16 scribbler50 May 3, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Stephanie Z: Absolutely… it’s perfectly reasonable to dabble so you can eventually find a favorite. It’s the pedants who’ve dabbled to death and want to instruct you as to their findings, that make you want to throw them through a plate glass window.

    Meanwhile, sounds like you make a mean margarita!

  17. 17 Stephanie Z May 3, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    They’re perfectly charming margaritas, Scribbler. Just don’t turn your back on them. :)

  18. 18 d-a-p May 4, 2009 at 11:00 am

    great advice yfb…there’s a lot of throwing up involved however…
    my gin,tequila,vodka,bourbon,beer, wine,and kool-aid days are over…
    however the chevas regal is still on the shelf…
    keep up the good work..
    d-a-p

  19. 19 d-a-p May 4, 2009 at 11:02 am

    great advice yfb….an awful lot of throwing up involved however…
    keep up the great work..
    d-a-p

  20. 20 D May 4, 2009 at 11:37 am

    Aawwww, come on. All you supposed tequila drinkers are clearly just loading up on the cheap sh!t – and that stuff just makes you mean. There are *many* good tequilas out there that won’t leave you with an eye-bulging headache, wondering why your panties are hooked over your ears.

    And, no, I’m not naming any brands for the reasons listed under single malt scotch and wine.

  21. 21 antipodean May 4, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    Gin: Mother’s Ruin- the crack cocaine of Victorian England. You may be a unmarried mother of twelve in and out of the workhouse and supporting your lifestyle through prostitution. Look out for guys answering to the names Jack or Mr The Ripper.

    As for the whiskey and black eye problem I think you are basing your conclusions on shitty cross-sectional data. My black eyes always precede the scotch

  22. 22 Donna B. May 5, 2009 at 11:38 am

    I have a step-brother-in-law who the Jack Daniel’s man in our family. He drives the “go-to” truck to all the family gatherings. His is the only truck I know equipped with 4-wheel drive and a full bar. Well, it’s a full bar if you like Jack Daniels or beer.


  1. 1 No Fucking Way! « Comrade PhysioProf Trackback on May 3, 2009 at 2:03 pm
  2. 2 What The Fuck? « Comrade PhysioProf Trackback on May 3, 2009 at 2:04 pm

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