Even though your friendly bartender is out from behind the stick enjoying the holidays, drinks are still being mixed in his fertile mind. Why just this very morning… to toss out the “auld” and ring in the “new”… he’s whipped up a series of cocktails to serve on this blog. They are all actual drinks, strange as their names may seem, and all (I feel) appropriate for each recipient. Your friendly bartender has placed on his list some good guys, a lot of bad guys, and some wonderful, regular folks he’s met in the blogosphere. That said… pull up a stool, put away your money, what you are about to drink is all on me.
My New Year’s Cocktail List…
George W. Bush… have an Adios Motherfucker, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass. (In fact, I’ve mixed up a whole pitcher of these to share with every asshole who carried your water.)
Barack Obama… have a Golden Dawn, and may that indeed be what lies ahead for all of us.
Ex-Governor Spitzer… have a Between The Sheets, and stay between your own for Christ sakes!
Senator Larry Craig… have a Harvey Wallbanger, (’nuff said!)
Bernie Madoff… have a Kamikaze, may you crash and burn never, ever to return.
Sarah Palin… have a Brain Eraser, may the bigotry, idiocy and downright meanness (packaged as Godliness) be erased not just from your mind but from this planet.
All Boston Sports Fans… have an Apple Knocker, you hate The Apple anyway so why not drink to it.
Meryl Streep… have a Garbo Cocktail, you’re still the greatest actress since Greta Garbo. (And give Seymour Hoffman a sip while you’re at it!)
All Ricky Gervais Fans… have a Gin Rickey, and toast the best British import since John Cleese.
Comrade Physioprof… have a Salty Dog, and keep on cussin’, my brilliant Cousin!
Donald Rumsfeld… have a Rummy Worm, somehow those words just seem to go together.
Isis The Scientist… have a Flirtini, no one mixes titillating sex and brilliant science like you do!
Hannity and Limbaugh… have a Global Warmer, maybe if you drink it you’ll believe it.
Sunday Football Widows… have an In And Out Martini, cause “in and out” is what you’ll get after the late game.
Drugmonkey… have a Bongwater, man, may it spark and trip your already mad rebel genius.
Alberto Gonzales… have a Truth Serum, and may it kick in when they drag your lyin’ ass in for some real questioning!
Anonymoustache… have a Godfather, you’re indeed the godfather of stats, research and football analysis. (Go Steelers!!!)
Dick Cheney, have a Heart Stopper, it’s been your bombs and your wars that have stopped the beating of tens of thousands of hearts, and the breaking of the hearts of the hundreds of thousands who knew them. (note: Don’t sip this drink, Sir, chug it!)
Gorgeous Young Women Everywhere… have an Old Lay, then call me.
Amy Winehouse… have a Mocktail, you’re too awesome a talent to check out early.
Neocons One And All… have a Dark And Stormy, that’s what lies ahead and you damn well earned it.
Abel Pharmboy… have a G-Spot, the “G” stands for Genius and the “Spot” stands for all your spot-on postings!
And there you have it, dear reader, your friendly bartender’s New Year’s cocktail list. And while he’s at it, he’d also like to serve up here a healthy Cordial to those who are most deserved. To the friends I mentioned above… Physioprof, Isis, Drugmonkey, Abel Pharmboy and Anonymoustache… who generously helped to launch this site by giving it a giant mention on theirs, I offer a fine brandy cordial and the wish for a happy and healthy 2009.
Peace!
PS: Please feel free to mix your own cocktail and leave it in Comments.
Behind The Stick 
Awww….I could just pinch you, you lovely man!!!
Dude, I love you man, and can’t wait to see you after the first of the year!
You are a real “find” – so glad to read your posts. Happy New Year!
Thank you, Physiobabe, and a Happy New Year to you!
How very nice of you to offer me a drink – but if I had a G-Spot I’d probably never leave the house (btw, I’ve found many recipes for the drink but none of them seem to match up – what’s yours).
There’s really no need to thank any of us – PhysioProf got the ball rolling and after reading you, several of us linked to you. But as I learned early in blogging, link-love brings you one- or two-time traffic at best. What keeps us all coming back is your fabulous writing. Period. Writing full of imagery and wit and the unique perspective you bring to the blogosphere. For that, I continue to be delighted to point other folks in your direction.
I only wish that you were my local bartender!
A very happy new year to you, sir, and let’s hope the amateurs go easy on you this holiday.
Abel Pharmboy:
Needless to say, thanks for your kind words and a Happy New Year to you and yours as well. Now as to your question regarding the G-Spot….
First of all, I don’t make these crazy drinks so I don’t have a personal recipe that I use. If you remember in an earlier blog I said I avoid Foo-fa-roo drinks like the plague. So to do this blog I had to look these crazy drinks up on “the Internets”. And as far as the G-Spot in particular is concerned, I found in my research that a definitive recipe for this drink is as hard to find as the G-Spot on the female anatomy. (Sorry Ladies!) But there were two I found that sounded somewhat reasonable. There’s a shooter version which calls for equal parts Southern Comfort, Chambourd and Orange juice. And there’s the cocktail version which calls for 2oz. Citron, 1/2 oz. grapefruit juice, 1/2 oz. pineapple juice and a splash of GrandMarnier.
Oh well, It was the names of the drinks that I was going for in these not what the hell goes in them. Next time you’re a shot and a beer, Pharmboy!!
Thanks again for stopping by,
Scribbler
Scribbler, I think I have just lost all respect for you…
Isis:
Somehow I knew that “joke” would get a response from you. Do I turn in my turban?
I don’t know, Scribbler. You just might need to. I prefer bloggers with a “you first” attitude…
By the way, Dr. Isis (goddess of all things Sex, Lab and Science), before I unfurl the turban, take off the harem pants and remove those little red shoes with the curled up toes (love the shoes by the way), if indeed that is what YFB must do, I should point out the following in your friendly bartender’s defense with regards to his knowledge (or lack of it) in discussing the G-Spot.
In researching the cocktail of the same name (as I said, “out there in them Internets”) I came across quite a few references to the actual “Big G” itself, and more than a few of those references had phrases like, “Gynecologists and doctors continue to be skeptical of the existence of the G-Spot”, and “the ever elusive G-Spot”, and “couples can spend a week-end trying to find it”, etc., so if scientists / doctors are still openly tripping over each other as to the “if”, “where”, “what”, and how “it” should be stimulated, one can hardly expect a mere bartender to weigh in with heft on the topic… when simply constructing (I repeat) a G-Spot “joke”.
(Just for the record… it’s located in the middle ear, no?)
My most darling Scribbler,
First, you sweet little thing, let’s be clear that I am not the goddess of “sex,” per se. The Egyptian goddess Isis “was worshipped as the ideal mother and wife, patron of nature and magic; friend of slaves, sinners, artisans, the downtrodden, as well as listening to the prayers of the wealthy, maidens, aristocrats and rulers.” Sex is but a component of that. I don’t want any of my less thoughtful readers to think there is a pole in the middle of our laboratory (although there actually is).
Second, you are no mere “doctor” or “scientist.” Indeed, I once believed you were no mere mortal. You are the much touted Big City Bartender and I am but a Small Town Scientist. I would never expect scientists to be able to find it (have you seen your average male scientist?) or some clumsy regular Joe over the course of a weekend, but you fair Scribbler once offered me hope.
So, I suppose you’ve got a lot of work to do before I descend upon the Big Apple. You see, I don’t allow a man (or, I suppose, I woman) to mix me a G-spot if I’m not confident he could find it or would at least die trying. That way I know my drink is mixed diligently and with my happiness in mind — I’m not getting some watered down crap meant to save the bar a few bucks. Not that I would ever ask you to find my G-spot, you see, but I have to know you’d come through for me in a real pinch.
Isis:
I’m on the case and the research has begun. This afternoon I’ll be interviewing several adventurous women who’ve already volunteered to participate in the project, and I have a cousin back in Pittsburgh who owns a miner’s cap. I’ll surely keep you posted as to my progress. “G” Whiz, this should be fun!
PS: Loved your line about readers thinking “there is a pole in the middle of our laboratory.”
Greetings from the subcontinent, Scrib50. At the risk of sounding repetitive, another great post dude!
I am honored to have made the list, as capo di tutti capi no less. Many thanks, and here’s wishing you a great single malt with a dash of water, a fine cigar, and many pleasant days and nights in the coming year to enjoy them both!
excellent post! what ass kicking creativity, i am very impressed.
ricky gervais is teh awesome… just watched him star in “ghost town”- if you haven’t seen it, go rent it NOW and watch the special features of all his outtakes. i hurt from laughing.
Thanks, Leigh, for the kind words and also for the heads up on “Ghost Town”. I’ll put it at the top of my NetFlix list…the guy is priceless! FYI: I just read today that Gervais is now a blogger.
According to the article his address is: rickygervais/thissideofthetruth.php
Enjoy,
Scribbler