There’s yet another annoying snobbery afoot in that place I like to call bar-land, (there always is with these aging “yups”), and this one has to do with single malt scotch and the newly minted single malt connoisseur. And how do you spot him, this know-it-all in brands, corkage and trends? Easy. He’s usually in his mid to late forties, he’s usually wearing a suit, tie and baseball cap, and he usually says shit like this after he’s asked what single malts you carry and you’ve rattled off at least fifteen brands…
“Oh, then you don’t have Too-ra-loora-loora?” (Or some such obscure fucking brand known only to him and two other North Americans.)
Now of course when your friendly bartender hears this he wants to say, “Oh, we have it, Pal, I just didn’t want to mention it… but son-of-a-bitch you found my ass out.” Or, “If I carried it, wouldn’t the hell I have said so, Corky?” But being a thorough professional on at least thirteen levels, he instead says politely, “No, I’m sorry, that one we don’t have.”
But not content to leave it at that, Malt Breath, after looking around to see who’s watching his one man fucking seminar in what to drink, tags the brief exchange with, “You really should get it in. I’m serious!”
Well, like earlier, your friendly bartender wants to say, “Jesus, thanks for the tip, man, that’ll keep the doors open. We’ve only been in business here since nineteen twenty six!” But of course, being a thorough professional now on at least fourteen levels, he politely responds to the order with, “Thanks, I’ll mention it to the owner.”
Note: If I had said I do have “Too-ra-loora-loora” in my initial inventory rattle-off, even if I didn’t, I guarantee you Malt Man would’ve come up with something even more obscure (known only to him and no other North Americans) even if he had to make one up. This is the same guy, I swear, who is capable of holding up a loaf of Seven Grain Bread and calling out to the grocer (who’s waiting on someone else of course), “Excuse me, excuse me, Sir… could you tell me exactly which seven grains are in this?”
Hey, pal, five years ago, before your company went public, you didn’t know a Cabernet from Hire’s root beer, okay? So relax, have a seat, take off your baseball cap… unless you’re pitching the back end of a twi-night double header… loosen your tie and have a nice Glenlivet. Whaddaya say?
Note to me: Maybe go lighter next post, talk about something funny, but admit it… this venting really feels good.